Monday, April 14, 2008

quote of the day...

"I would love to date someone that Gavin banged."
-Grey Cloud, bored and calling me at work.

After I stopped laughing hysterically, I had him explain. Apparently, the Gavin stamp of approval makes a woman "legit." I pointed out that when Gavin 'was' a raging boozehound, there might have been some rough trade in there.
"So you're saying I might have a chance with the shitty ones?"
No. I'm just saying that perhaps there's a couple of regretful notches on Gavin's bedpost. I'm sure this is fine with GC. After all, this is the guy that made a spreadsheet of all of the women he's bedded, rated in such categories as breast size, sexual ability, coolness, etc.
Keeping in mind that this was a long, long time ago, I made the mistake of asking where I ended up on said spreadsheet.
The only category I'm willing to reveal here is that I was "cool." When I asked what that meant, he responded, "I'm willing to hang out with you sans sex."
Touching.
Much like Big Chris, however, Grey Cloud does a very good job of keeping it real. Cruel and brutal honesty from someone I adore gives me insight into what men really think. And turns out, they actually think things like "I would love to date someone Gavin banged."
Who knew...

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's so cool you can be such good friends with someone you used to date. I can see why. He's hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I can't help it - I like Ruby. Her marrying Alex Tourk shows that she at least had taste at some point.

I also love it that the whole thing broke around the time Kaiser Chiefs "Ruby" was all over the radio.

But Sophia Milos? Only Ginger whats-his-name on CSI is more wooden than her. Not even Xenu could approve of making it with Milos.

Spots said...

It's funny you should say that, 10:55. GC and I were discussing my inability to date a short person and I casually said, "Well, when we were dating..."
He stopped me.
"We didn't date."
Um, yeah. We did. We REALLY did.
"Well, what did we do?" I asked.
"We partied."
Jesus Christ.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Grey Cloud.

And 10:59, we love AT. He's the best...

amy said...

Grey Cloud is cute.

Anonymous said...

Am I alone on this? I hate Grey Cloud. What happened to Dear Spots and Brett? GC is your worst Dear Abby.

Evan said...

I agree with Grey Cloud. (Why is he called GC?)
Any chick Gavin bangs must be hot. I'd be impressed by that past encounter, as would any guy.
I also agree with GC that Beth is cool. I wish we could get a look at that spreadsheet.

Anonymous said...

I've my own version of Grey Cloud. The best thing about keeping that type around, besides the free champagne and ringside seat for the ongoing carnage of his sex-life (better than HBO!) is that I'm constantly reminded how lucky I am not to be with him.

Actually the very best thing is the girl he was dating at the same time he was dating me (lying about it the whole time) is now one of my closest friends.

Don't get me wrong, he's a sweetheart, totally adorable. We call ours "Patrick Bateman".

Spots said...

Wow.

Anonymous said...

I *heart* Grey Cloud.

Brett said...

I agree with 11:14. That Brett guy is amazing.

grey cloud said...

beth you're obsessed with that god damn photo...come to think of it, if gavin has had some less than stellar sexual conquests in sf then i may have unkowingly bedded one of his many regretful one-night stands...lord knows ive worked the undergraduate demographic as well as the "balboa café divorcé"...as for 11:14, what were you picked last for flag corp or something?...you're not so bad yourself amy..11:45, i *heart* zoo too.

Spots said...

I do love that picture...

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, did he actually just leave that comment? WTF?

Sweet Melissa said...

Well, if GC slept with one of Gavin's broads, and you dated GC...you've basically hooked up with Gavin. Hooray!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! You're "one to watch"!!!!

http://www.busjrnl.com/article/20080414/BUSINESSJOURNAL/35461361/1207/BUSINESSJOURNAL02

I bet they don't even know that you write for the Chronicle. Go Bethy Go!

DJTennessee said...

Grey Cloud -- I have done that exact same spreadsheet exercise, just not in Excel! I used a formula, one based on the criteria for the "100 Most Irritating People, Places, and Things" annual list they used to do in SPY magazine.

You start by assigning her a Raw Score, which is your crush on her on a scale from 1-100. Put that in parentheses and leave it for now. Your next calculation is complex: assess her general beauty on a scale of 1-25, and add to that the hipness of her personality on a scale from 1-25 (for a maximum possible score of 50). That's your numerator. Your denominator is her Obnoxiousness Quotient (between 1-40) plus the number of specific times she seriously, memorably, significantly inconvenienced you (can be no higher than 10). So you then multiply that original Raw Score times whatever numeric value your numerator/denominator numbers give you, then give as many as 30 bonus points based on her adventurousness or lack thereof in bed (this only changes the rankings in very, very close calls).

So you have a maximum possible score of 5,030. The winner scored a 4,470.5 -- the lowest scorer received a 50.3

Now for the sake of assessment, let's plug Jen Siebel into this model:

-I've never met her and she's way not my type, so the poor thing will be getting a low Raw Score. (Jen, sweetie, if you're reading this -- it's totally subjective. Nothing personal.) I can't see going anywhere over 35 out of a possible 100 here.

-She's awfully fucking pretty, so she'll get a nice 22/25 on that one. As for Hipness of Personality, sigh... the "Women in Independent Cinema" thing bumps her up slightly to a 12/25. So her numerator is a 34.

-As for the denominator, which assesses drawbacks, realize that I don't loathe her nearly as much as many of you probably do. She's soft-spoken, so she's not terribly obnoxious -- and remember -- a lack of personality is addressed by her low numerator score. I'm giving her a fairly restrained 11/40 on Obnoxiousness. As for specifically inconveniencing me, this is hard because I don't know her personally. But I can count a few things. 1.The totally unnecessary "I'm a girl's girl" novel-length comment on SFist, 2.The totally unnecessary and certainly not-true "I'm not looking at this blog anymore" remark in said post, 3. The film Rent, and 4.that monstrosity of a Pizza Hut tablecloth dress she wore on KTVU last month. That will leave her with a 15 as her denominator.

-As far as bonus points for sexual adventurousness/intensity... again, sigh. Tolerating mistresses does not count as being sexually adventurous. Perhaps she gives head, but beyond that I think things pretty much screech to a complete halt. I bet she's about as wild in bed as Marilyn Quayle. Five out of 30, and that's a "benefit of the doubt" five.

So! What's her score?

(35)x(34/15)+5 = 84.45

Wow. I really thought she'd do better, but the numbers don't lie. There are some way unattractive women who scored substantially higher when graded on the same curve. An 84 is "I'd hit it" territory, but without an exclamation point and probably requiring a bong hit beforehand so I can keep it up.

Does this resemble your formula, Grey Cloud? We oughta compare notes.

Anonymous said...

Do me Grey Cloud!

Spots said...

I just checked my sitemeter to make sure GC didn't write that last comment. He didn't. Someone actually posted that.
I'm...I'm speechless...

shy said...

I bet Gavin secretly wishes he could bang a girl GG "partied" with...
GC, wouldn't you be turned off by the amount of moles on Swiss Miss? It must be hard to fake an orgasm with all the Botox in her head. The trout pout may be of some use..Tiny boobs and I guarantee the caprpet does not match the drapes. I'm sure she yammers on incessantly about her "craft" post screw and Gavin has to pretend he's listening. Still want to hit it??
At least Brit M, or RRT would be a fun lay.

Anonymous said...

I'm with 11:14. Brett and Big Chris are way funnier than Grey Cloud. And what the fuck is up with that name?
Beth I love you, but GC is not in your league, no matter how long ago it was.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I bet you thought this post was a throw-away and now you've got 20 comments. GC is like the 'I'll Flip You' cranky old neighbor everyone loves to hate.

Becky said...

DJTennessee -- best comment EVER. The very best! Hahahaha....

Spots said...

Becky actually just made me the spreadsheet that does DJ Tennessee's math for you. There goes the rest of my day...

Anonymous said...

I think I love DJ Tennessee!

Kosmonaut said...

The comments are the best part of this post.

greg said...

dj tenessee's formula takes things to a whole new level of detail...wow. I'm speechless (in a good way).