Thursday, March 20, 2008

speechless (UPDATED!)...

Dear Gavin,
Every time I meet you, I seem to be hell bent on making it clear to you that I'm a retarded person. I really don't know why I do this. I've never been diagnosed as such. I went to college. I have a job. I'm friends with non-retards. In fact, some of my crew are really very bright. And yet, stick me in a room with you and I suddenly become Forrest Gump. I can't explain it.
All I can do is apologize and attempt to reassure you that I'm not as slow and awkward as I insist upon presenting myself. Your spokesperson, Nathan was very sweet in introducing us. As as he brought me over, I was more concerned with my ensemble than preparing witty banter. And then when you recognized me and dropped the, "Oh no, another scandal" I actually peed my brand new Barney's Outlet leggings, which probably explains the horrified look on my face. Had I known we'd be having the longest conversation of our entire relationship, I would have had my hair professional coiffed and dressed appropriately. But these magical retarded moments tend to be serendipitous. What's a gal to do?
Anyway, it was lovely speaking with you last night. I look forward to displaying my vast intellect sometime very soon.
Warmest Regards,
Beth...

PS: Nathan, stop being a cock block...

PPS: Bill Wilson needs to capture me from a different angle...

Okay, so my head is still spinning from last night but I'll try and include all the juicy details. Melissa and I went to the Joe Alioto's kick-off party, convinced we wouldn't know a soul. Turns out, the first person we saw in the PACKED room at Alioto's Restaurant was Bill Wilson! And then my favorite City Haller, Mike Farrah! Oh, sweet relief. People I know. So Joe gets up to give his fabulous speech from atop a chair, and thanks some people, including Lou who I went to grammar school with. OMG, Lou from 1992. This was all very exciting, until I spotted Gavin's spokesperson, Nathan Ballard over by the wine. Nathan and wine? Oh, I'm all over this. Nathan pretended not to be frightened and was actually doing so when Gavin walked in. Um, Nathan...get to work. As he led me over, I shot Bill Wilson a look and gay that he is, Bill knew instantly. Right away, Gavin gives me a look of both recognition and horror (horray!) and was like, "Oh god, another scandal!" I guess he didn't want Swiss Miss to find out about our redezvous, but she was probably off ladling out gruel at a soup kitchen. At this point, I have nothing to say so I start spewing out nonsense about Mark Leno and Judge Judy on crack, further frightening Princess. He leaves, Nathan leaves and Mel and I hang out until it's time to go to dinner. So as we're leaving, I pass Alex Alioto, whom I was madly in love with in high school and who totally pretended to know who I am. I still need to call KG, because she'd be far more excited about Alex Alioto than she would about Gavin. I mean, we made up a song about him, we were so enamored. Anyway, Mel has decided we're going to have dinner with some of her fancy pants political friends. Fine with me. So, um, guess who came to dinner. Just guess. Alex Tourk! Yeah, I know. It's still too much for me. Anyway, Tourk is pretty much the nicest person I've ever met in my life and 7 of us hung out at 1550 Hyde until it was time to go. Now, everyone else was standing around, hugging goodbye on the sidewalk like this happens every night. I was floating on a magical, heavenly cloud inside and trying to pretend I was normal. Needless to say, this called for Le Club, where Mel got in a fight with a man named Tracy. It...it's all too much for me. I can't take this. I'm going to need adult diapers if this shit keeps up. Here's hoping these people don't read blogs. But as we all know, my loyalty is to you fine people. I'm hopping on a plane with the baby brother to visit my folks in New York this afternoon. I'll need 6 hours at 35,000 feet just to process. Okay, I've got some calls to make. The end...

15 comments:

Molly Crosland said...

Beth,
You never cease to make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I like how it looks like, as the photos progress, he just slowly warming up to you! He goes from guarded to bemused in three photos flat!

KG

Becky said...

He looks so worried in that first photo!!!

LOVE IT!

Spots said...

I like how in the second picture, he's obviously looking for someone else to talk to...

Marge said...

I know you must have been distracted with more important issues but could you detect any sort of cologne? I'm curious what he wears...drakkar noir, ck obsession for men?

seany said...

In the first photo, he's probably thinking, "Find out from judge why restraining order is taking so damned long to issue." :)

Anonymous said...

giddy

Anonymous said...

Ah man, I just read the update. I will be needing a call.

OOoooOOO Alioto!

KG

be_devine said...

Yeah, like any of us are going to believe you were "speechless." Impossible.

I know that you wowed him with your charm and witty intelligence (or is that intelligent wit? Either way . . . .)

Brock said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


shit, dude.

Sweet Melissa said...

For the record: Random dude Tracy was saying how he wants to set me up a date with his friend who runs a "shopping centre". (I HATE when people try to set me up.) And Beth and I were all, "a MALL guy? Ugh! No way." And he gets all defensive: "No, its a shopping centre". And I was all, "Pffft. Whatev. Its a fucking mall." And left to talk to Colin the door guy. Tracy then proceeded to complain to Beth about my rudeness. So I merely pointed out to the manager that it was closing time, and since Tracy was not "friends and family" like me and Bethy, he should be asked to leave. Awesomely, that's just what happened.

Another crazy-assed night all around.

vansmack said...

Wow. Mel late night in a bar talking to a boy and a fight breaks out. Where have I heard (seen) that before. It's all very weird - she seems so passive other than after hours at bars!

Sweet Melissa said...

Vansmack, I was NOT talking to a boy, I was minding my business and talking to Meg when that guy forgot his manners.

greg said...

um..lighter lit because you all rock but Melissa has a special shout out because I love the account of how you did a serious take down of a smarmy BS-er. rock on.