Thursday, February 21, 2008

i'm not kidding. i swear to god...

Due to a dare involving a bribe, I have agreed to place my profile on CatholicSingles.com AND CatholicMatch.com.
Lest you think I'm kidding, allow me to offer you a sample question:

Do you accept the Church's teaching on pre-marital sex? God has exclusively given the gift of intercourse to a man and woman who have pledged their lives to one another in marriage as a way of fully giving oneself to the other, being fully open to the transmission of life should God so choose to bestow this blessing. Do you agree?

I won't reveal my answer here.
Anyway, Grey Cloud spent 3 hours on the phone with me last night, revamping my entire profile because he said it made me sound like too much of a sinner. I was shocked that no pious Bay Area former altar boy had genuflected before my profile and GC said the reason was obvious. Perhaps my "I blame God for making me too tall" was a little harsh and constant dropping of the homo bomb ("I go out a lot, usually with gay men which is probably why I'm on Catholic Match") make GC a little uneasy.
"You'll notice there's no m4m section, Beth."
So I gave him my password and let him have at it.
I am amazed at how seriously he took his task and I suspect it's only because he really wants me to fulfill my end of the dare and suffer through a date with a holy roller. However, check out his version of my "ideal first date":

A lot of people on here put "Going to mass" as an ideal first date. At some point I'd love to go to mass with you and work with you in strengthening our faith together. However, on a first date I'd much rather get to know you, and I honestly don't do much "Getting to know you" during mass other than the occasional handshake (Peace be with you). Drinks maybe? Dinner and a movie is a little cliche and walks on the beach are too drab/sandy. I'm much more into keeping it informal and playing it by ear.

Oh my god, Grey Cloud who are you? It actually says this next to my picture somewhere in cyberspace. Like right now.
Then GC decides I need to be proactive and start e-mailing anyone I find mildly acceptable.
"Shouldn't I be a good Catholic girl and let them come to me?"
"Oh, well maybe you could wink at them. You know like on Match.com, you can wink at people without saying anything."
"I bet it's not a wink on CatholicSingles.com."
"Yeah, you probably send them a Eucharist wafer icon or something."
We "winked" at no one and instead, spent a good hour reading hilarious profiles to each other. I went to bed, dubious of GC's ability in this arena.
But lo and behold, this morning I woke and and checked my e-mail. It worked! Of all fucking people alive on this earth, Grey Cloud knows how to pick up religious people. So the first e-mail I get is from this guy who answered YES to the sample question, attends mass weekly, yet oddly prays monthly and "prefers not to talk about some things" from his past.
Okay, bribe or no bribe, I don't want to end up in the dumpster behind St. Anne's. But this is too good not to keep you posted...
Grey Cloud, my spiritual dating advisor.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I cannot WAIT to hear more about this exciting adventure into wedded and church approved bliss!

Brock said...

this sounds like a nifty idea. also, i'm getting you a gun.

Anonymous said...

"Some of the guys on here seem 'meek' for lack of better term, and I'm really looking to meet a confident, funny guy that doesn't mind having one too many drinks."

Nice!

be_Devine said...

Gavin is not going to be on CatholicSingles.com. No respectable gay man looking for a wife would be on that site.

greg said...

@beth: wow! I'm shocked

@be_devine: your comment made me laugh so hard beer came out my nose. FTW!

djtennessee said...

You guys watch... Someday I'm gonna make a fortune off ChristianSluts.com!

Anonymous said...

SFist loves you.

Wow, you're really single? That is a crime. I'm not Catholic though.

Becky said...

Maybe some day Please_stop and Kay will be reunited through the likes of CatholicSingles.com...No?

sfmike said...

I think I've seen that grotesque painting at the end where GC is posing. Was it at an Industrial Light & Magic Christmas Party art show? In any case, it's both a horrible and a perfect illustration. Brava.

Alfredo said...

Re: the things he doesn't want to talk about from his past.

I'll bet you a round of gibsons the things he doesn't want to talk about from his past have to do with that period he spent in the, ahem, musical theatre, prior to attending the very intense spiritual retreat where he pledged to live right and not give into certain.... temptations.

It is entirely possible that even on CatholicSingles.com you are 'mo magnet.

Sweet Melissa said...

Oh, this is going to be awesome! Don't leave out any details!!

seany said...

Hmmm, that reminds me that I should sign up at RecoveringCatholicSluts.com.