where's billy tyne when you need him...

Oh yeah. The bottom of the ocean.
Anyway, for those that aren't in gorgeous San Francisco right now, let me fill you in. I'm about ready to build an ark. Up before dawn, I decided to be productive and clean my house, prep my Culture Blog, do my laundry and actually hit the gym before work.
Really, this is unheard of.
So I pack my real clothes and my hairdryer into my Timbuktu and venture outdoors. My god. Trees in roads. Trash cans everywhere. Frightened pedestrians with inside-out umbrellas.
Slowly I made my way down Van Ness (I think I saw Gavin's Towncar!) and onto the Golden Gate Bridge which featured big flashing "CAUTION/HIGH WIND" signs.
I have shitty windshield wipers as it is, but visibility was so low anyway, all of us stayed in the middle lane and moseyed along at 30mph.
Finally at SuburbaGym, I checked in just as the lights flickered.
"If the lights go out, we're going to evacuate!" I was informed by an enthusiastic trainer. I grabbed a Saveur and my iPod, complete with new Cardio Mix (I was up REALLY early) and hit the eliptical. 15 minutes in, the lights went out.
Evacuate!
I fought a monsoon-like torrent to get to my car and called my boss.
"The electricity is out in Mill Valley. Like OUT."
We agreed. We weren't working today. Only, this means I have to drive all the way back to my house. Across that damn bridge again. I mean, I'm not hanging at my folks house, 5 minutes away, unless there's premium cable and chilled Chardonnay.
Those of us willing to brave the freeway travelled along at our safety pace, and I was delighted my fellow drivers were as paranoid as me.
Folks, it's bad out there.
I swung by Safeway on my way home to stock up on provisions. After all, it's supposed to be like this all weekend.
Right there in the premium booze aisle, it happened.
Lights out.
When the electricity goes out at Ghetto Safeway, all hell breaks loose. FYI.
After a second, the generator kicked in, warming up the emergency lights and check-out swipers, but for a second there, I was convinced I'd be raped next to the discount champagne.
I grabbed what I deemed good "stuck in my house watching VHS cassettes all weekend" food. So basically, those Safeway brand appetizers and lots of "100 calorie" packs of random junk food. I was nervous the lights would be off at home, but lo and behold, here I am. Illuminated.
My mother just called, trapped in Mill Valley. "I'm bored! And I'm getting sick of listening to KCBS on a goddamn transistor radio! Call me back!"
Yeah, it was worth risking my life on the GGB as opposed to huddling up next to my mom, a transistor radio and some warm Chard.
Half the streets around me have been shut down, but if you're in the hood, stop by for some Safeway apps, cheap but cold booze and my VHS collection. We can start with the Mighty Ducks and work our way up to You've Got Mail...

PS. Let's talk about the Penn divorce later! Call me...