relax. he's doing it today...

Those adorable Brians had me over for dinner on Sunday night and upon arrival, Brian D. poured me a glass of wine and announced, "Oh my god, Squirrel stole a sandwich from a hobo today!"

Squirrel and Popeye are the Brians' treasured pugs.

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"She stole a sandwich from a passed out hobo and ate it! At the park this afternoon."

When I pointed out to the Brians that their rich dogs are stealing food from foodless hobos, Brian L. immediately started digging through their pantry. All of a sudden, he starts lining up granola bars.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh my god, he's making a hobo snack pack."

In addition to granola bars, we decided minty gum would be good, because hobos rarely have fresh breath, a juice box, some toilet paper, chapstick and a triangle of cheese...for protein.

While dog food jokes were certainly made, "Since Squirrel ate his food, we should give him Squirrel's food!" we decided letting your dog steal from a hobo was bad enough.

Brian L. then wrapped it in a brown bag and wrote a note, explaining that his pampered, gay-couple, pure-bred dog stole what must have been a suddenly missing sandwich and this care package was a peace offering.

Brian then decides to give it to the hobo right then and there, knowing exactly where said hobo sleeps it off all day and night.

"But you know, it's down that ravine. I can't really get down there."

"What are you going to do? Throw it at him?"

"Well, I could toss it."

Jesus Christ.

We sat down to our lovely dinner, which did not include cheese squares and Brian plotted his delivery.

When we met up for Happy Hour last night, I asked the Brians if they gave the hobo snack pack to their victim.

"Nope. I didn't do it today."

"Why not?"

"It was raining..."