Sunday, December 16, 2007

my parting gift was worth it, tho...

There's a reason I mock the East Bay.
It sucks.
Really, driving there sucks. I freak out. I'm convinced people drive on the other side of the road and the street signs are in Ebonics and I'm unfamiliar with their complex foreign ways.
But none the less, I wanted to see Becky's pied a terre and she was having a cookie decorating party.
Conveniently I had Magellan with me.
"Mikey, you know how to get there, right?"
"Yeah, bitch. Relax."
I can get myself on the Bay Bridge. After that, I'm pulling out my passport and a Frommer's because as far as I'm concerned, I'm in a third world country.
Mikey totally knows where he's going. He just assumes everyone else does too. Nor does he suffer paranoid snobs lightly.
"Turn there."
"Right there. Jesus."
I also have a very ghetto radio. Rhonda the Honda doesn't even have a tapedeck. I'm lucky we get FM, in certain parts of the world, at least. I know that K101 works only on the second half on Van Ness, Alice only comes in going East or West, KFOG is generally okay, unless there's a hill nearby, etc.
By the time we reached "Oakland" my radio was picking up Contact signals and that's about it. I was too stressed with driving to even care. Magellan? Yeah, he was all, "That's okay. Let's sing a song."
He was kidding, but I was ready to drop him off at Panther's headquarters.
"Oh my god, you just missed that turn!"
"Just kidding."
Finally, he learned the proper way to give me directions.
"Okay, stoop. The next light, make a right then the first left right after it. You've got to switch lanes really fast. You got it?"
I'm amazed I made there alive. I fucking hate the East Bay.
Conveniently, I didn't have to drive home. You think it's so easy, Magellan? Fine. You drive.
Cue swearing, middle fingers, screeching breaks.
Stuck in traffic, crossing the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, with my feet on the dash and the twinkling lights of holiday downtown San Francisco before us, I looked down at the gorgeous "Port of San Francisco" glowing ahead and sighed, "I am such a city person. I could never live in the country."
"You mean the East Bay?"

1 comment:

Marge said...

famous last words. we once said the same thing and...