Friday, December 14, 2007

the lady is a tramp...

So you know that I despise Carole Migden with a never-ending passion best described in the City Slickers quote, "If hate were people, I'd be China."
She yelled at my dad, she called me a liar, she's rude to my boyfriend and I don't like her hair.
She's lucky she's still upright, quite frankly. (I debated for 6 minutes if that last sentence was an arrestable offence.)
Anyway, this is why you get my version of Carole singing a song at Martuni's, which if you're not gay and don't know, is the happiest place on Earth.

Carole enters with sad, vacant-eyed staff who immediately hit the bar.
"Everybody stay calm! I'm finally here and you can all relax! Honey, get up! I want that chair!"
Everyone in Martuni's is shocked into silence. Carole again? Shit. Can I get another vodka rocks? Or actually, just bring me the bottle.
"So, what the hell is this place? Homosexuals getting drunk singing Judy Garland songs? Christ, what's the world coming to? You better hope this place is up to code because first thing Monday..."
One of Carole's staffers quickly hands her a glass of White Zinfandel in the hopes of shutting her up and wordlessly apologizes to a displaced drag queen.
Wait, staffer apologize? Oh, this one wasn't Eric. It was the imaginary nice one they hired.
Moving on to Carole...
“What the hell is this? A piano? God, you really sing songs? I’ll sing you a goddamn song! I bet you’d like to see Leno sing some of that redneck Harry Connick Jr. And I KNOW Veronese wouldn’t set foot in this joint. Well, forget it. You hags want to hear a song. I got your song right here.”
Oh no. Oh dear god in heaven, no.
“You got any Etheridge?”
The accompanist pauses. “Excuse me?”
“I guess someone hates people with breast cancer! Real nice, pal. Alright, what songs do you know? Because Chopsticks doesn’t come with lyrics, hon.”
The accompanist hands her a songbook.
“What the hell is this crap?”
“I know every song in this book. Pick a song, bitch, and sing it.”
Oh snap. The bar is suddenly on team Accompanist.
And what song would Carole select, everyone wonders?
“Shut up. I’m performing. Okay, go.” (cue intro) “She gets too hungry for dinner at 8…”

7 comments:

Becky said...

Oh. My. God. I am trying to muffle the laughter. It hurts. The tears.

And really, why did you have to hate on the White Zin. You know that hurts me.

Spots said...

The White Zin was just for you...

Becky said...

I never doubted your intentions for a moment.

Fredo said...

Beth,
I've been reading this and your Culture Blog posts for a while now.... I have a serious gay boy girl crush on you at this point. This post was funny as hell.... Seriously brilliant, you are.

sfmike said...

This was evil, but you knew that.

Anonymous said...

I always figured the Midge as an Arbor Mist kind of broad.

Kay said...

You say "immediately hit the bar" like it's a bad thing.