Tuesday, December 18, 2007

dear spots and grey cloud...

Once again ripped from the pages of Dear Abby, GC and I solve the world's problems.

DEAR Spots and Grey Cloud,
I'm a 14-year-old boy with a twin sister. We have always shared a room. Because I'm her twin brother, my sister trusts me and isn't shy about undressing in front of me. She has a very attractive body, and I'm ashamed to say this, but I'm starting to have the wrong kind of feelings when I see her -- if you know what I mean. Under the circumstances, I don't think we should be sharing a room anymore. We have a 16-year-old stepsister who lives with us. She has her own room, but she and my sister don't get along. I think it would be more appropriate for them to share a room since we don't have an extra bedroom.
If I say this, it'll just look like I want my own room unless I tell everybody the reason, which I'm too ashamed to do.
I try to force myself to look the other way, but sometimes I can't resist looking even though I know it's wrong. What can I do?

Dear Future Resident of Alabama,
Well you’re 14 so this is probably your first year in high school. On the bright side, at this rate you’re pretty much guaranteed a prom date. But let’s hope that situation doesn’t come to fruition.
First of all, don’t worry about it too much. It’s one thing to think about it, it’s another to act on it. What you have to ask yourself is, “Am I attracted to my sister?” Or are you attracted to her body? Let’s hope for your sake it’s the latter. You’re at ‘that age’ where hormones are raging and you’re being assaulted by mother nature and her devilish antics in the form of puberty. The good thing is if you ever did make an advance on your sister she’d probably turn you down cuz your voice cracks and your face looks like a pepperoni pizza.
And let’s be honest, everyone has that second cousin, twice removed that they see once a year, if that, at some obscure family reunion, that’s pretty good looking. Who’s to say what would happen if you weren’t technically related to them.
You also gotta get your hands on some porn. I mean when I was growing up we didn’t really have a lot of Internet access and we resorted waiting for someone to steal one of his dad’s playboys. But this day in age man, you need to hop on the computer and find some quality Internet porn. It will open your eyes. Who knows, you might even find out you’re gay. If the search for porn turns out to be unsuccessful, let me know and I’ll send you my “Boner Jamz ‘07” mix tape I got from Paul Rudd.
Kudos for not telling your parents by the way. That’s a smart move on your part. I can see it now, “Next week on Maury, ‘I’m in love with my twin sister.’” Your parents also don’t seem all that sharp. Not a surprise, but rather than tell them you like your sister and that’s why you want your own room you should try telling them that you’re disgusted by her now that she bleeds all over the bed once a month for a week. They might be surprisingly sympathetic.
Your sisters should be living together. I think if you offer to take the smaller of the two rooms it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Plus siblings always fight, not that I’d know being an only child, but so I’ve heard. And if older sis doesn’t like it well tough shit. You don’t always get your way growing up.
She’ll be outta there anyway in two years to go to CU Boulder where she’ll inevitably get knocked up her first semester after someone slipped a mickey in her jungle juice.
So let’s recap. Don’t worry about the feelings just be sure not to act on them. Because lord knows we don’t need the retarded love child of you and your sister running around. Get yourself some decent porn. It’s a lifetime obsession that needs to start sometime and if you ask me you’re little behind the curve. Porn is cheap and easy to get these days so you have no excuses! In my day I had to walk uphill, in the snow, both ways, to get a copy of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Tell your parents you need your own room and under no circumstances tell them you have a crush on your sister.
So if you’re smart you’ll take my advice and this situation will dissolve sooner than later and hopefully in 15 years this will all be a distant memory of teenage adolescence and we hopefully wont see you on To Catch a Predator.
~Grey Cloud

Beep, beep, beep. Back this up.
Did Grey Cloud just give actual advice? I kinda figured he'd demand a picture of this sister before throwing out his usual brand of snobby cynicism. Maybe tell the kid it's totally okay if he bangs her from behind and pretends she's someone else.
But nope.
He's all "cool therapist" with this one. What gives?
I can vouch for his love of porn. His coffee table is usually a pile of car magazines and Hustler. But he's never been one for thoughtful advice. It's almost touching. Perhaps it's the holidays.
As for Ashamed in Denver, what kind of 14 year old uses the word "appropriate"?
I'll tell you what kind.
The gay kind.
You're using your sister as an obvious beard because we all know you can't fuck a relative this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
If you're going to take GC's advice and invest in some porn, dabble in the m4m a little. You might stop TRYING to be attracted to your sister and start being attracted to that second counsin, twice removed you see once a year...Tim.
Your pal,


Anonymous said...

I love Grey Cloud!
I just reviewed the Evite (I'm working on my response) and it's quite impressive. But I don't see a Grey Cloud. I've GOT to meet this guy. -EM

Spots said...

Well, Grey Cloud isn't his real name. It's Chris.
While he's in town now, he lives elsewhere and I've been urging him to fly back for my birthday.
His response?
"Yeah, I'm hoping we'll get into a really big fight over Christmas and you won't want me there."

grey cloud said...

god, you love that pic dont you?

Spots said...

Bitch, I just changed it, as per your "creative control."

Anonymous said...

Wow. A woozy pic of Beth and Chris. What else is new. I'm drunk just looking at you.

Anonymous said...

GC looks hotter in the other pic.

Evan said...

1. GC is hilarious. I love this guy!
2. Your Evite is blowing my mind. Damn, girl. Everyone wants to party with you. I call dibs on crashing at your house. In your bed with you. It's cool. We can just snuggle.

kevin said...

Grey Cloud is hot! H.O.T. OMG, we love him. Girl, tell me you hit that.

Anonymous said...

Your Evite with you and Gavin CRACKS ME UP! You are hilarious, Beth Spotswood. You're fucking amazing.

Royally Phk'd in Sacramento said...

That was sick. I loved it.