Thursday, October 18, 2007

kids and animals, apparently...

My reign of terror continues!
I failed to mention it, because I didn't want Degeneres-esque backlash, but a couple of months ago, I ran over a pigeon in the Whole Foods parking lot. Worse, and I can't believe I'm confessing to this, when I sped the hell out of there to avoid the wrath of rich hippies, I peeked in my rear view mirror to see it writhing in the middle of the parking lot.
Did I call some type of authority?
No. I did not.
I know. I know. The guilt haunts me.
Well, I guess pigeons talk, because this morning those bitches got me back.
Driving through the ghetto, minding my own business and singing along to the sadly forgotten Pointer Sisters, this pigeon flies right in front of Rhonda the Honda at like, 2 miles an hour. How is this possible? I have a basic, 8th grade understanding of the physics of flight and this pigeon was flapping in front of my car as if held on invisible strings by the Lord himself.
So much time passed with this damn bird moseying through the air that it actually, I swear to God, hit my windshield.
Then it just kinda rolled off.
I know. I know.
But in driving on, in complete amusement and shock, I checked out how the bird was handling it's fall and it really just seemed to dust itself off and get back to business.
I drive on, bridges, tunnels, etc. and head to SuburbaGym, where I crank out 45 minutes of hungover, half-assed commitment to health.
I emerge to discover my car COVERED in bird shit.
This was not one rouge turd.
My car is no longer silver. It's now white. And brown. And sorta green...


Anonymous said...

That's karma, baby. You'll spend eternity in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds for transgression. Whoa to you Spots.

Anonymous said...

I've never told you this, but when I was 16, I ran over a squirrel and kind of left it writhing in the street. I still remember exactly where it happened. The karma continues.

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:30: I can't think of any scary movies involving squirrels. I suppose you'll spend eternity in the sequel of Killer Clowns from Outerspace for your brutality. Oy.

Anonymous said...

How many birds did Swiss Miss kill to wind up as Tipi Hendron in a f'ing Wawa commercial??

Be_Devine said...

Ya know, when you put this in perspective of the bodies that might have been left in the wake of Bolero's driving habits, this is nothing. Just make sure you're in line behind her when you get to the Pearly Gates.

Please don't bring any roasted squirrel or squab to dinner.

greg said...

coulda been worse for the bird....esp. at the hands (talons?) of another bird: