Tuesday, July 31, 2007

shouldn't you be getting someone a latte...

As soon as I heard about Matt Roloff's DUI, I forwarded the link to Mikey. What follows is the ensuing e-mail conversation:

To: M
From B
DUI????
Jesus Christ. What was he drinking? Pumpkin juice?

To: B
From: M
probably drinking a tall-boy. waaawaaaa.

To: M
From: B
Mikey made a funny!
Hold on. I'll alert the press.

To: B
From: M
Headline: "Mikey's comedy continues to be fresh and hilarious"

To: M
From: B
And wisecracks about this one, Carrot Top?

To: B
From: M
"A race to be the 500th jumper occurred in October 1973." What's the deal with that? How do you race to be the 500th jumper? Aw, 497, so close, try again.
And it's not really racing, it's waiting and counting.

To: M
From: B
Clearly inspired by 1990's stand-up, Mikey Sermersheim exploded onto the comedy scene in 2007, 13 years after his jokes were funny.

To: B
From: M
In a pathetic attempt to under-cut a clearly comedic superior, Bethy Spotswood embarrassed herself today claiming Mikey Sermersheim's craft is out-dated unfunny. In the words of Bethy herself, "Hi kettle."

To: M
From: B
In exciting comedy news, Michael "Mikey" Sermersheim has teamed up with his mentor, Orny Adams for a tour of the United States Midwest, performing mainly in convalescent homes and livestock auctions. When called for comment, Sermersheim is "honored and humbled" to be opening for the "legendary" Adams and eagerly anticipates the nations' response to his "how come they don't make the whole plane out of the black box" bit.

To: B
From: M
"Bethy Spotswood Dies On Stage"
and by 'die' I mean 'fails,' and by 'on stage' I mean 'at her keyboard.' Known (hardly) for her being able to read news articles and regurgitate them in biased, uneducated ways, Bethy Spotswood is unfortunately not dead at all. It has been rumored that the person (plural?) that actually does read her work is is not a fan at all and is doing all that he can to make her 'please stop.' This polite vigilante has my full support.

To: M
From: B
"Sermersheim sacked from Adams tour. Spotswood responds"
Michael "Mikey" Sermersheim, "The Banker's Comic" was slated to join comedian Orny Adams on his "Midwest Hijinx Festival" this summer, but was let go after one brief performance, in which Sermersheim awkwardly left the stage after 3 and a half minutes. Sermersheim is, not surprisingly, unavailable for comment. Adams, however, had this to say. "The kid's green. He's got no sense of timing or slapstick nuance. He's good at getting someone a cup of coffee, but that's about it. Jeez, his first minute up there, they were pelting him with rotten tomatoes. I didn't even know they did that anymore."
Calls to Sermersheim's current employer, satirist Bethy Spotswood, went unreturned. Spotswood's publicist however, issued the following statement to the press.
"Ms. Spotswood is happy to be able to financially support her friend in his time of personal disgrace and failure. While she has never been a particular fan of his brand of "comedy", she prides herself on helping those less fortunate. She wishes Mr. Sermersheim only the best, and looks forward to his proving himself within her company. Ms. Spotswood asks that the press give Mr. Sermersheim his space at this humiliating time."
-end-

To: B
From: M
"Spotswood admitted at Mental Institution"
Beth Spotswood, the lesser-known of the Mill Valley Spotswoods, was recently admitted to Forest Knolls in Marin. Though, at first glance, this is not very newsworthy, some digging reveals that what little power and money Beth's parents (Dick and Joanne Spotswood) had allowed her to have what appears to be a "successful writing career."
Joanne comments: "Beth had wanted to be a writer for some time, but we knew her 'condition' would make it impossible." Well, at least for most people. "We just felt so bad for poor Bethy, we wanted her to have all that we could give her." The Spotswoods had raised her as if she was a mentally healthy child, all the while knowing that she has an IQ of 38. Their power and (mostly) money reached the San Francisco Chronicle earlier this year, where it was agreed that the Chronicle's website SFGate.com would publish Beth's work and post it weekly on their site. For each of these posts, Beth would receive 2 crisp twenty dollar bills. Darling.
Ms. Spotswood clearly has some very loving parents to go all this way to make her feel normal and quasi successful, but this recipe of deception and manipulation was not to last forever. Beth's supposed status eventually went to her head. Illusions of a relationship with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and nasty phone calls from Senators proved that this charade had gone too far. This is admittedly a sad story of trying to do good for the less fortunate but making matters worse. There is no telling how long Beth will be at Forest Knolls - the process of bringing someone to a reality that they have never realized is a long and arduous one, especially for someone with such little mental capacity.
And it should not be hidden, the Spotswoods asked me to write this.

To: M
From: B
San Francisco Man found in dumpster
Michael "Mikey" Sermersheim, a San Francisco resident, was found raped to death in a dumpster behind the Campus All Male theater early Wednesday morning. Witness accounts claim the deceased had spent over 24 hours within the theater, on an alcohol and porn fueled bender, before wandering outside in search of "the real thing." Sermersheim approached a gentleman, identified only as "Smokey" who agreed to the deceased's sexual request. Out of respect for the dead, no matter how sick he be, we will not print the details of his fetish, other than to say, live black cats were involved. According to Smokey, "things gots out of control", particularly once other vagrants and displaced locals joined the two men in their back alley sex acts. We spoke with Smokey via his social worker, Sr. Mary Clarence, who had this to say, "We's all fuckin' and shit like crazy. I donts even knows where he's (the deceased) was at, cuz I got all distracted by the kitty I was doin' and the next thing I knows, I wake up and I got this blood and shit everywheres and I ran to tell da POlice. But, you know, it was werf it."
Police notified the roommate of the deceased, who asked to remain anonymous and responded, "Color me surprised."

To: B
From: M
Forest Knolls resident found dead in Psych Ward
Beth Spotswood, retarded daughter of Dick and Joanne Spotswood, was found dead this morning in her padded, windowless room at Forest Knolls Mental Institution. Known for her dangerous infatuation with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, Beth was found dead in a most unusual fashion.
Dressed in a navy blue suit, black cap-toe shoes and a white oxford shirt with the two top buttons undone, Spotswood had a Venti Starbucks cup full of her own urine in one hand and a container of, what the authorities are calling 'hair gel' in the other. In her last homage to the Mayor, she even had her hair slicked back.
"She liked to go see Mr. Newsom speak," comments her roommate, successful private banker Michael Sermersheim. "One of these times she took his empty coffee cup and brought it home a souvenir. I'm not surprised it was involved in her death, she was crazy about that thing. Pun intended."
Someone who works very closely to the Mayor stated: "Neither I nor the Mayor have ever heard of or met this person. The whole office is very sorry for Spotswood family's loss, but the fact that she was found in a suit way too large for her from a second-hand store drives home that she was not mentally well. The Mayor wouldn't be caught dead looking like that." This was followed by uncontrollable laughter by the staff member and myself...

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

the coffe boy wisecrack stings...

Mike, I'll take a coffee of the day, leave a bit of room for milk

TL

Anonymous said...

I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard.

lo said...

This is pure genius, Spotsersheims. I'm so glad I get to hang out with you sickos in real life.

Props on the Sister Act reference!

Becky said...

I just peed my pants.

Anonymous said...

"Gordon Bloomfeld, of the Marina Del Rey Bloomfelds"

And forrest knolls is rehab, duh. Thanks for visiting by the way...

-grey cloud

Jerry said...

High-larious!

Jerry said...

High-larious!

Anonymous said...

LMAO for life at this: "...Spotswood had a Venti Starbucks cup full of her own urine in one hand and a container of, what the authorities are calling 'hair gel' in the other."

Mike is THEE man!

Anonymous said...

This might just be my favorite blog. ..ever! I vote you make this a weekly banter moment for all to enjoy and partake in.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap that's funny! -your fan

Anonymous said...

You are both hilarious! You're a comedy duo! Take this act on the road! I want to come over to your house and watch you banter over your morning coffee. Please?

harry said...

Its a very good website. We can share our views and also give replies to others. We should come up with new ideas.
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Harry
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