Wednesday, June 13, 2007

ripping off abby again...

Dear Spots and Brett,
I have been in a horrible marriage for eight years. My husband, "Greg," has a lot of problems from his childhood and has a hard time being in a relationship. I have recently learned that he was raped by a family member when he was a little boy. He seems to be in denial, and claims it didn't happen. In any case, I have had a feeling lately that Greg is attracted to men and may be having some kind of a fling with a guy. This guy is supposed to be a business associate, but he calls my husband constantly and has shown up at our house at 12:30 at night. Greg refused to answer the door, but texted him and lied to me about it. I feel like he doesn't want me to meet this guy. How would I be able to tell if this is happening? Greg certainly won't tell me.
Signed,
LOST IN BRONX, N.Y.


Dear Clueless:
This is what you get for thinking you could marry a "fixer upper". Your life is not HGTV, and your husband is not a poorly wallpapered room with beige carpet. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me like your hubby may be more interested in redecorating the room himself.
I don't have a single "business associate" who calls me constantly, much less one that shows up at my house after midnight. I do, however, know some hot alcoholic 22 year old bartenders who make these sort of things a habit. Face it, stupid. Your husband is being booty called. By someone with a penis.
Greg doesn't want you to meet Chad because Chad is boning him. Anally. Even if they haven't consumated yet, you can rest assured that your mystery visitor Chad has, at a minimum, tasted your husbands love potion.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
My advice? Offer him a threesome with another guy. If he's all over the idea, you'll have your answer. If he suggests a threesome with another woman instead, he's straight and just has a weird stalker.
Regardless, you shouldn't have married a guy who got raped as an 8 year old anyway.
Sincerely,
Brett

Dear Lost,
You’ve come to the right place. I am the queen of gaydar.
Let’s examine the clues, shall we?
Child rape = gay.
Man showing up in the middle of the night = gay.
Texting = gay.
You live in the Bronx. If this guy isn’t sporting a hairy beer belly beneath his filthy wife beater and gold chains, cracking open shit beer while complaining that your fat ass is blocking the game, you are married to a huge, flaming queer. Trust me. Greg spends his free time either reliving his childhood rape or camped out in front of JLo’s childhood home.
But what the hell. You’ve spent 8 years with him. Embrace your husband’s obvious homosexuality and catch a Broadway show.
Your fellow fag hag,
Spots…

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am always amazed at how many women are obliviously married to gay men. It's like if you want to stay in the closet, you marry an insecure hag or you become a priest.

Anonymous said...

Totally hilarious. Although I want a Dear Spots and Gavin.

That Chick said...

HEY! Where is your Wednesday Culture Blog? I had a really crappy day -totally a Dear Abby momemt for you and really needed a Culture Blog...WTF? Chron letting unpaid bloggers go too?

Jerry said...

Lol Texting is SO gay.

YEah! I'd forgot, Where's the Culture Blog!??

-big jer

Spots said...

Sorry guys. My Culture Blog post took a one week vacation. I'm not canned. Yet...

ass_kicker32 said...

txting is not gay.

Anonymous said...

i dunno about that one beth

-gray cloud