Monday, June 18, 2007

bouche this...

I know you’re all desperate to discuss the newest Top Chef, because it’s so goddamn fabulous. The first episode left me with a lot of questions, the most pressing of which is HAS CLAY FOLLOWED IN HIS FATHER’S FOOTSTEPS AND KILLED HIMSELF?
Y’all remember Clay, right?
“I’m makin’ an amuse bouche outta a big ole apple and some kiwi, y’all. My daddy’d be real proud a me getting’ the Top Chef title and all cuz he was in the restaurant bizness and he was real good at it till the pressure took it’s toll and he kill hisself.” Cue crazy eyes.
So when Padma told him to “pack his knives” naturally I wondered if Clay was still with us at the time of broadcast. I’d appreciate an update.
Caleek is looking hot, tan and bald, just the way I like him. And with Tony Bourdain, my secret lover as guest judge, I spent most of the episode wondering it would be like to have a long, boozy, flirty dinner with the two of them.
Speaking of which, if Tony is by any chance reading, I’ll be at Les Halles on the 4th of July for the Liberty Festival just to stalk you. The reservation is under my name. Please feel free to come over and bring us some charchuterie samples.
I’m pulling for Mr. all I had time for was Sea Urchin Risotto, but have a feeling we might just call Hung’s triumph now. I am also a fan of Sandee the Southern Lesbian and the Tuscan Sushi that uptight foreign bitch made.
Finally, will we ever know what the fuck happened to Padma’s arm? Jesus Christ. Maybe she got in a Ginsu fight with Gail over which bitch is hotter.
I’m glad Gail won…

8 comments:

lo said...

I called dibs on Caleek a long time ago. But I'd totally cheat on him with CJ. Also, I am guessing that your contestant-boyfriend is Tre. Am I right?

Spots said...

No bitch. I call CJ. Hello? He's freakishly tall, funny and his first name is Chris...

Anonymous said...

The scar is from a car accident...

http://www.lakshmifilms.com/padma_lakshmi_press2.htm

Anonymous said...

i can't bear to watch another season of this so i will rely on your dispatches.

I watched most of the one where they had the season 1 and 2 chefs face off, and it reminded me what a pack of douchebags (ok except that sam guy) Season 2 was full of. when marcel did the fucking foam again I wanted someone to bitch slap his ass back to bainbridge.

still nothing compares to "I'm not your bitch, BITCH!" in Season 1. classique!

wow said...

I still can't believe she gets it on with Salman Rushdie. He must have two dicks, a mountain of coke and endless cash.

Anonymous said...

Hell's Kitchen anyone? Aaron??

btob said...

I'm too busy watching the train wreck that is Sunset Tan...

Anonymous said...

I'd love Beth's thoughts on Sunset Tan. I'd rather own up to watching the filthiest porno ever made than ever admit publicly that I have seen it. The owners are sad, mid-life crisis guys with creepy man jewelry and silly hair cuts. All that's missing are cowboy boots and a Corvette. Those guys must have microscopic dongs. It's too funny.