Dear guy about to cheat on his wife at the bar last night,
I couldn’t help but notice your impending adultery because my family was running obscenely behind schedule and left me and my Gibson sitting alone, looking like I was stood up by someone that found a better date. I was forced to observe and judge those around me and you and your mistress were closest in proximity. Most sleezeball, poorly dressed cheaters have the sense to remove their (tacky, ornate) wedding ring prior to wooing. As a woman in her late, late 20’s, my eyes immediately fly to the left hands of all men. I can’t help it. Society makes me. And your glowing, diamond encrusted monstrosity is hard to miss, even through the haze of your cheap cologne.
Your date didn’t seem to mind. Maybe her huge kerchief blocked the view of anything beneath her chin. I can’t be sure. But she was clearly not your wife and clearly not a friend/co-working/daughter. I can only hope that my disapproving glares made you feel like the douchebag that you are, and that your wife, if she has any brains, will walk away with more than half of everything you ever owned.
All your turtleneck/blazer combo was missing was a gold medallion and cowboy boots. And your delicate date, who looked like a small gust of wind might break a rib, was working body language which clearly said, ‘Oh god. What the hell am I doing?’
I am certain your evening ended with an awkward goodbye, a thwarted ass-grab and a last minute head turn so as to avoid your creepy old man mouth.
Everyone thinks you’re an asshole.
Most sincerely,
Spots…
9 comments:
"Everyone thinks your an asshole" is one of my favorite things to say to people whilst having a disagreement. Most people have an inner fear that everyone else really does think that, and to be so blatant about means you get to watch their little hearts shrivel.
My Mom once witnessed a woman remove her wedding ring to go dry hump some dude in a public park while she was sitting in the car next to her. Mom then proceeded to leave an anonymous note on the skank's car letting her know that the ruse was up. To this day I wonder if that woman went home and confessed....(insert villainous cackle here)
married, not buried
eatins' not cheatin
just ask Clinton
Now if this guy looked like Newsom....
Hahah, I thought it was Gavin at first, but he ain't married no more.
I thought if a guy wore a ring that either was for real (or just looked like) a wedding ring he was more "eligible" to single women?
Is Beth considering working for Ms. J Siebel? I hear her super busy production company needs help.
Jennifer Siebel should be Beth Spotswood's assistant. THAT would be funny.
been off the blogosphere...hey,
don't let the fcking bastards get you down.
You are a fresh light of blue neon kitch and also caring yeah, in the underbelly-- insight. hell, joke 'em if they can't take a f-ck.
is the world devoid of satire?
only people who care....can actually write shit as good as Beth's...., anyone "get it" out there?!.
i have a dream.......San Francisco is gonna have a big who ha laugh and cry, and then uh, kick as so hard that no one even knew what was coming...........,
yeah.
allright.
back to the grind.
people?
thank goodness Beth is out there, i mean REALLY.
you ARE reading already aren't you? hm........:)
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