It’s advice time again. Ripped from the pages of Dear Abby, I’m offering my thoughts on the problems of my fellow Americans. Joining me in judgment is Brett, former and future blogger, currently representing the red states. Enjoy:
DEAR Spots and Brett: I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I have tried "time-outs" and even soft spanking and have taken his privileges away. Nothing seems to work. However, I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any danger in this form of punishment? -- YOUNG MOM IN OKLAHOMA
Dear Krystal/Jolene/Tonya, etc.,
I’m going to go ahead and assume the father of this future school shooter is out of the picture, either incarcerated or plotting some kind of anti-government civil war. And the only male role models this kid has are the cast of toothless, tank top wearers who treat you like you treat toys.
Lucky for you, I recently watched PBS’s Frontline. The subject? Parenticide. I learned that psychological abuse is equally if not more powerful than physical and/or sexual abuse. So maybe next time he “acts up,” you could set him on fire or rape him with a household object. That might be better than, say, teaching him that the way to get people to do what you want them to is to smash something they love with a hammer.
Dear Shouldn't Have Slept with a Football Player in High School,
That's what you get for living in Oklahoma. You grow up to be a 19 year old wal-mart clerk with a 4 year old redneck in training. My advice? Take precious little Timmy Joe or Jimmy Bob or Johnny Earl (or whatever else you named him after his professional oil changer of a father) to child services, and place him up for adoption. Insist, however, that he only be adopted by either a homosexual couple or a hollywood starlet attempting to rehab her image. In this manner, you will not only provide a glimmer of hope that Timmyjoejimmybobjohnnyearl can overcome his Nascar/Oklahoma football/southern baptist brain washing, but it will free you up for a life reclamation plan. This plan will consist of day classes at ITT Tech in medical transcription, followed by exotic dancing at "Cloud 9" or "Nighttrips" or "Temptations", provided you have lost the baby weight 4 years down the road.
Oh, as to your original question, "Do you see any danger in this form of punishment", the answer is no, at least not until your son begins hearing the voice of god, and follows your lead by smashing things with a hammer. Like your cranium. And his future.