Thursday, April 26, 2007

you'll thank me...

Just like me, you've probably being going into withdrawl. It's been absolute ages since Project Runway. Well, I apologize for dropping the ball because there’s been a temp taking Tim’s place and she rocks.
I’m speaking, of course, about Shear Genius.
Shear Genius is exactly Project Runway and Top Chef, but not about clothes or food.
It’s all about the hair.
Seriously. It’s exactly the same.
Tim Gunn/Chef Tom: Rene Fris, the friendly, foreign gay.
Heidi Kum/Padma Lakshi: Jaclyn Smith, who is approximately 1000 years old.
Michael Kors: Sally Hershberger, who could not take herself more seriously. She cut Meg Ryan’s hair, like, once in 1992. Big deal.
Nina Garcia/Gail Simmons: Michael Carl, the bitchy, domestic gay.
And of course, when you get kicked off, Jaclyn says, “This was your final cut.”
The best part, however, are the ridiculous contestants.
My favorites:
Tyson, who approached the models and said, “Can I touch your hair? Mmmm. Yes. Very nice. And you, your hair? Okay. MmmHmm. Yes.”
Tyson also creepily whispered to his model as he stuck hideous feathers in her ratted hair, “Birds of paradise for a lovely dove.”
I was curled up in the fetal position just watching this little troll molest the hair of desperate not-hot-enough-for-runway models.
Then there’s Dr. Boogie, who dresses like a surgeon and makes Luther Vandross look like John Wayne.
Theodore is 22, sucks and the gayest gay in the history of homosexuality. For the “art” challenge, Theo was hugely stumped with his $75 allowance in the craft store as everyone around him grabbed flowers and feathers and similar. So at the last minute, he buys a big, brown jewelry box.
Smart move, Ted.
He sticks it on top of his model’s head, throws some beads and net on and calls it a treasure chest.
And then that bitch won.
Nice call, Hershberger. I’d like to see you pull that shit with Meg.
Paul-Jean is uber-French, wears an ascot and uses really cheeseball catchphrases. He’s basically Malan Breton from Taiwan.
Evangelin is the emotional, small town mom with punk rock hair. She’s cried in each of the first three episodes.
Tabatha is clearly the villain and is basically Satan with scissors. We hate Tabatha. She can’t stop talking about her “art.”
Jim is the old gay, so basically Vincent. He does shit hair, has no confidence and keeps talking about how he’s been in the business for 30 years. I’m willing to bet he’s been running a Steel Magnolias salon out of his mom’s basement in Trenton.
Ben is the hot straight guy and we love him. He’s very laid back and too cool for school. Ben is now our boyfriend.
And everyone else is boring.
Oh, and lest I forget, there’s always a celebrity judge. Last night, it was “one of the most celebrated names in hairstyling,” Frederic Fekkai.
So just to clarify, we’ll be watching and discussing Shear Genius. Program your TiVo’s and trust me. This is really, really great television...


Nikki said...

“Birds of paradise for a lovely dove"? That's gross. Almost as gross as when I once let a supposedly fabulous male Japanese stylist with Kirsten Dunst vampire teeth butcher my hair. I cried. Just as I would cry if some creep stylist tried to lay that line on me.

brookie said...

i totally agree with everything you said. i can't wait for project runway to be back on. did you watch top design? it sucked even worse than this one. my friend works at a top salon in utah and she said all the stylists suck and the judges are lame.

Anonymous said...

Sounds funny. I'll check it out since you were right on about Friday Night Lights. You are my new TV Guide. Are you going to see Conan?

Anonymous said...

jacyln smith is a total milf...sally hershwhatever looks like she's from another planet...and how could you not mention lacey? she's so cute...i think she's in miami...hmmm might be worth the drive for a cut from her

-gray cloud

Anonymous said...

I agree about Sally Hershberger. She's a bit self important for somebody with Chrissy Hines/Leather Tuscadero hair. She needs a new look fast.

Jerry said...

Ummmm, Sorry. Have to correct you. Jaclyn Smith is 1,045 years old.
Definitely still a MILF though. I was wondering if I should waste my time on this show. Now I may just have to...


btob said...

I can't believe Dr. Boogie said he isn't gay. Ha! Also, I'm bummed they kicked Jean-Claude off because I wanted to see the fight that he and Rene were about to have. It was instant oil and water...

Rene: What is that supposed to be?
JC: Well, you idiot, anyone can see it is supposed to be fire.
Rene: Yeah, whatever, just hurry up...

sfmike said...

Jaclyn Smith will always be my favorite Angel, and nothing she does is less than celestial, no matter how cheesy the surroundings. In truth, she's actually 5,000 years old, and she will ALWAYS look better than mere mortals such as you and me.