Thursday, April 19, 2007

do they have to use the word 'arraignment'?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the DMV rocks.
I’ve been dodging the law and for all intensive purposes, “pushing my limits” in terms of being street legal. I have a rather tumultuous relationship with DPT, on top of which there was an unfortunate “misunderstanding” regarding my car registration. I won’t get into details, but the word ‘warrant’ was used.
So scared about my pending cavity search, I’ve actually been having dreams of flashing lights pulling me over, and in my dreams, I considered making a run for it.
I couldn’t tolerate the knot in my stomach any longer. I had to deal with the bureaucratic and financial hell I was due. If I know anything about dealing with the government, and I assure you, I know very little, it’s that one should always do business in the suburbs. And do so in the middle of the day. So yesterday, I took my folder of paperwork and headed over to the Marin DMV.
The hardest part about parking at the Marin DMV is the fact that you have to wait for extremely elderly people to get the fuck out of the way. Once I parked, I booked it past the walker and cane contingent to what appeared to be a concierge.
“I have some, uh, registration issues.”
“Okay. You’re number B046. Here’s your ticket. Your number will appear on these screens when it’s your turn.”
“How efficient. Any idea on how long we’re talking?”
“I guess about 5 minutes.”
Bull. Shit.
I brought a magazine and everything. I sat down and cracked open an interview with Joan Rivers. All I could think of was that Joan probably drove a registered car and never got parking tickets. Every once in awhile, a voice would announce another number over the loudspeaker, in addition to the 57 TV screens letting us all know which numbers were at which windows.
“B043 to Window 4!”
B043? Cool. 3 to go.
Obviously, I had to check out my fellow criminals. The only one of note was a 19 year old sporting Corona Light pajama pants as she cared for what I assume is her illegitimate child. If you’re going to be a teenage mom, don’t punctuate the stereotype by wearing beer pants.
But who the hell am I to judge. I’m practically a felon. I reminded myself that they don’t arrest people at the DMV. What’s the worst that could happen? They’d tell me I was a horrible person and not allowed to drive.
Tell me something I don’t know.
“B045 to Window 14!”
Oh god. I’m next.
The knot in my stomach grew. I’m going to jail. I know it. The mugshot alone would haunt me for the rest of my lesbian rape-filled life.
“B046 to Window 12!”
Window 12 was a guy in plaid pants.
I’m dead.
“Well, I have this mountain of paperwork. But I put it in a folder!”
“No. The ticket with your number on it. B046.”
I handed over my number, no doubt so they could embroider it on my jumpsuit.
“Okay, so we need to register your car. And then we’ve got all these parking tickets. Do you want to pay for those now?”
I basically handed over my life savings, my left arm and a promise of my first born child.
“Okay. Here’s your sticker. Here’s your registration. I’ve signed your ticket. You’re cool.”
“I’m what?”
“You’re good. You’ve just got to show up in person at the San Francisco Hall of Justice and show them that you’ve done this.”
“So, I’m free?”
“You’re free.”
Oh my god. No handcuffs. No jumpsuit. No lesbian rape.
Now, all I have to do is go to the Hall of Justice, which is…oh wait.
It’s at the jail…


Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Beth you are the greatest. One thing though. It is intents and purposes, not intensive purposes. Sorry about the schoolmarm scolding, but I like you too much to let you suffer a grammatical rookie mistake.

Spots said...

I've been wrong for 29 years.
This is like the time I waited several marvelous years before telling my brother that it was not "lesbiand" or "ice ring."

Whatevs. You people get what you pay for...

Anonymous said...

Beth are you going to get a teardrop tattoo on your face? Did you throw gang signs when they called you? I've heard you are a known associate of the Marin County Marauders(the MCM on the street). I've seen Beth "tagging" city buildings with the gang's logo, an argyle sweater with skull and crossbones.
They always use the bench warrant threat to get people excited, just standard process. I was late to court one time and they issued a warrant for my arrest. I'm such a bad ass in the local circuit court.

sfmike said...

Way to get two tons of anxiety off your shoulders. I owe you a drink and since you're now poor, it's on me.

Be careful at the San Francisco Hall of Justice, though. It's a fairly terrifying place, even or especially when doing jury duty.

Anonymous said...

My awful former boss would make that same mistake constantly but I never told her! We still love you Spots. You rock!

Anonymous said...

Say hello to Aquaman while you are there.

Anonymous said...

Beth is a very bad girl. Swiss Miss would never be in this kind of trouble. She's a good girl.

That Chick said...

I don't know if a bench warrant threat doesn't actually turn me on as much as the metal handcuffs but, I will try anything once.

Aside from that maybe going to the burbs for a traffic ticket fine isn't as fun as the City's neighborhood dmv that puts the D in dmv with the dominating prescence of the Mayor's picture on every wall.

My ticket cost me $556.82 because I forgot where my rental was parked and got booted. The rental co. had to get the car out of trouble but stuck me with the bill(s).

Anonymous said...

Per Leah Garchik's column today: "Second newsflash: When he [Gavin Newsom] took off his baseball cap, for that moment, you could see he hadn't yet gelled up for the day" when talking about the memorial this morning. thought you'd like to know...

Allison Landa said...

Sounds so familiar ... but I never recounted it the way you did. Rock on!

... brings back the memory of the uh, was it eight? Or nine? tickets on my ancient Celica back in the day! God that cost a fortune!

your brother said...

You bitch. Why not "ice ring?" Its round and there is ice in it. . . Ice ring. makes sense to me!

Anonymous said...

Beth, the new photo is hot. Very sexy!

Anonymous said...

Newsflash Three: "Sweetie" and Jennifer Siebel should never be used together.

honorary roomie said...

don't worry al, just ask your sister about the "barrels of hay"...

becky said...

Alex, you shouldn't call your sister names. Especially when she only has nice things to say to you...Biscuit, right?

greg said...

at least you avoided the horror of having your car towed while out on the town...when I was in college the school wrote tickets like a...a..well like someone who obsessively writes a lot of shit and I didn't pay them...and got pulled over and had my then-cool car towed while in the middle of a rather wild evening.

needless to say, since then whenever I've owned a car I've always been a bastard about not getting a ticket. Bastard people at the DMV/DPT!

Anonymous said...

Didn't the DMV know that Beth is a prominent blogger and has no time to address these trivial citations. Even Barak Obama had outstanding tickets out there that he just paid last month or something.

Anonymous said...

Beth, unless it cuts into valuable drinking time, you should attend the Gavin question time this weekend. It's at the Boys and Girls Club, so I'm sure Swiss Miss will be there. You might catch her out back playing tennis and basketball at the same time. Get over there and technical foul her ass.

Anonymous said...

Any more talk about lesbiands and handcuffs here and Gavin is going to lose his mind. I hear he likes bad " girls' " who break the rules.

Anonymous said...

Were there any reviews of Jen's play reading from Monday? I missed it.

Anonymous said...

Beth, have you seen the icky new pictures of Jen and Gavin on his Flickr page. She's so athletic. She's one of the guys, and not impressed with who Gavin is. Oldest bullshit girl trick in the book. The mere site of her induces vomiting. What's with the Carmella Soprano sweats and gaudy handbag. She is the worst.

amy said...

Beth, were you invited to Jenn's fundraiser for Gavin in LA? He must really be good in the sack.

i'm going to vomit said...

Gov. Gavin? Someone passed us an invite to a fundraiser that mayoral sweetheart Jennifer Siebel is hosting for Gavin Newsom in L.A. tomorrow night -- and apparently she sees a golden road ahead for her boyfriend.

"While he is running for re-election as mayor of San Francisco,'' Gavin's actress girlfriend wrote in e-mail that went out along with the invite, "he is also a top candidate for the upcoming California gubernatorial election.''

Do tell, do tell.

"For this reason,'' she continued, "I invite you to meet and support this heroic Democratic leader. He has done more for San Francisco than any previous mayor and is lauded as a top visionary and leader within the Democratic Party ... a model to mayors all around the world."

And here we thought he was just out to fix the potholes.

Asked about Siebel's valentine, Newsom campaign manager Eric Jaye issued the obligatory response, saying Newsom is running for mayor and only for mayor.

Gavin really must put out. She's in a trance over him. It's getting scary.