why is my chardonnay all bubbly...

I’d already read about this horrifying date raper in the Chronicle, but Jason forwarded it to me just in case I was about to let some douchebag slip me a mickey. If you’re unaware, allow me to enlighten you to Slimebag McSleazy who hangs out at salsa classes, picking up chicks and raping them.
Slimebag talks one unsuspecting salsa chick into joining him for drinks at Noe Bar, where my new hero, the eagle eyed server Karri spotted Slimebag slip a mysterious powder into salsa-aficionado’s beer. Karri was on that shit like Olivia Benson, and immediately concocted a ruse to snatch that beer up and confer with her bartender, my other hero Hannah. The quick-thinking crime fighters approached salsa chick, who was standing outside smoking a cigarette oblivious to Slimebag and his attempts at super-sicko unconscious rape. As they filled the poor gal in on Mr. Wonderful, they looked back into the bar and saw Slimebag do it again.
Nice work, criminal mastermind.
Upon confronting him, Slimebag offers to buy everyone a shot before nervously splitting on his way to being arrested.
Okay.
First of all, salsa?
Second of all, if someone thinks they’re getting any kind of first date play from me, Noe Bar’s not cutting it.
Finally, what kind of retard is all, “Sorry I tried to rape you. Let’s do shots!”?
So thank you, dear friend Jason for the heads up on the infestation of cheapskate date rapers, but uh, you should be more than aware that I would never go out with someone this about-to-go-to-jail-and-find-out-the-true-meaning-of-rape idiot…