Thursday, March 01, 2007

this is not motivating me...

I’ve finally given up GhettoGym for the luxury and convenience of SuburbaGym, a mere 2 seconds from my place of employment. SuburbaGym smells way less like BO and way more like Ben Gay, but it’s a small price to pay. SuburbaGym is also subsidized by my parents, in what I suspect is a means of making me thinner and thus, married off.
Fine with me.
Anyway, I was marching away on the elliptical last night when I took a second to look around me. In the bank of 4 elliptical trainers, I was not only the only female working out, but the only one not collecting social security. All three grandpas were on like, Level 1, reading newspapers or staring at CNN. Suddenly, I felt far better about myself and my Level 12. I mean, look at these old codgers, thinking they’re prolonging their practically over life by moseying around at SuburbaGym.
Halfway into my US Magazine, the geriatric next to me took his leave, wiping his “sweat” off with the antibacterial towlettes provided by SuburbaGym (note to GhettoGym, not a bad idea, huh?)
And in his place?
She must have been 15. She was practically naked. And she warmed up on Level 20.
My pace slowed, my heart (rate) dropped, and I looked down at my baggy track pants next to Miss Teen USA’s perfect tan thighs.
This sucks.
I’m old. I’m sweaty. And I’m on loser Level 12.
At least at GhettoGym, the hottest bitch I worked out with was a hobo named Patches who’s missing a toe…


sfwillie said...

Then the twelve year old tells you she just sold the movie rights for her first novel.

Anonymous said...

OMG I just met Spots!!!!

Beth, thank you so much for being so cool. I hope we didn't scare you. My friend was just all, "Is that Spots?" And then we flipped out.

Spots is awesome! And unexpectedly beautiful, even though she kept saying "I look better when I know people are going to see me."

I will admit it. You are really tall. But SO COOL. I'm so glad we could be your "first stalkers."

We love you!!!!!

Micky and Jeremy

Anonymous said...

I'd like to meet you also
I work a block from Aqua in the FiDi. When you going to be there stalking GCN next? I'll buy you a Vodka Gimlet. If you'll settle for Schroeders and Crazy Lou's Polka All-Stars, thats cool too.


Anonymous said...

Someone needs to write a Yelp review of Spots.

I'm all about 5 stars, baby.

PS. Such a celeb! I can't believe people recognized you! Hilarious and kinda scary. Somewhere in the back of our heads, everyone thinks you're the one that going to be famous. So weird. So good. but so weird.