Thursday, February 22, 2007

what the hell is a plante?

Because he’s a total attention whore, Gavin sat down to a television interview with Channel 5’s Hank Plante yesterday and needless to say, it was glorious. First of all, Sober Gavin’s celebrity equivalent is Michael Corleone in The Godfather II. I can’t explain it, other than to say that after such turmoil and scandal, disillusionment and personal resolve, Gavin is very Tahoe-Michael right now.
Sadly, I think that makes Peter Ragone ‘Fredo’. If I were him, I wouldn’t go fishing anytime soon.
Back to the interview, Gavin mentioned something about how, instead of being a hardcore wino 24/7, he’s on the treadmill everyday.
Jesus Christ.
I’ve been complaining that he’s too thin lately. The last thing Gavin needs is more cardio. If he wants to spend his sober time remembering his goddamn spirit, what’s wrong with a little yoga or meditation of tai chi?
Hank also mentioned Gavin’s breaking of the man code.
Ah yes. The man code.
Among other things, the man code clearly states that you don’t screw your best friend’s wife. And obviously, Gavin is highly guilty and regretful of this.
But throughout this interview he mentioned REPEATEDLY that his alcohol problem is exclusively with wine. Isn’t there something in the man code about that? I mean, call me crazy, but Scotch is significantly hotter. Gavin makes it seem like he’s stumbling all over town sipping on Pinot Grigio and cosmos. If the man’s going to have a drinking problem, I think it should be with something a little less girly.
Christ, I pound Gibsons like there’s no tomorrow and you don’t see me working at a Christmas tree lot.
We all know that my favorite Gavin is hot and bothered Gavin, so I was delighted to see my boy get ear-steaming mad when Hank asked him about cocaine.
Gavin dives into this tirade that’s all, “I know how that rumor got started and shame on them!”
Wait. What?
I heard that rumor. And because of my journalistic integrity, I never wrote anything about it. Actually, the reason I never wrote anything about it is because I don’t really care. It’s not interesting to me because I’m not into coke. I never wanted to sit around snorting lines with Gavin. That’s super tacky and 80’s. I’ve always maintained we’d be great drunks together. Booze is way classier.
But I don’t get why he’s so pissed about one measly hint that he might dig the nose candy.
He’s fine with drinking himself into a stupor while performing his civic duties. He’s fine with banging his campaign manager’s wife. But oh hell to the no did he ever enjoy recreational drugs. Shame on them!
Finally, and I haven’t decided how I feel about this yet, Gavin is really cultivating his sudden Southern accent. What’s that about? Seriously, folks. It’s beyond noticeable. It’s becoming distracting. That being said, Gavin could develop some sort of stress-induced speech impediment or eye twitch and I’d still be all over his fine ass…

12 comments:

Bonita said...

Maybe its because I live in LA now, but I want to hear about you getting drunk, not Gavin. Make it happen Spots!!

Anonymous said...

maybe it's because i live in south florida now, but i want to hear about gavin doing coke. make it happen spots.

Bonita said...

GC is that you? Why do you live in South Florida btw? And, it doesn't surprise me that you want to hear about Gavin doing coke.

lo said...

Michael Corleone in Godfather II is perhaps the hottest character in the history of film.

theo said...

Worry not. He was referring to the political treadmill and is probably not shedding his coat and working on his Gav-gams. What he needs now is for you to take him by the hand and set him down to a chilled Orangina and a plate of your butternut squash, blue cheese, caramelized onion and cranberry galette.

Spots said...

You know, Theo, I've been DESPERATE to get you down to SF, where I will gladly cook galettes for you (and any guests who might be MORE THAN WELCOME) at one of our famous dinner parties.

Please, oh please...

Anonymous said...

Beth Spotswood, how are you even allowed to write about this?

Your family has millions. You are out partying all the time. You are just like Gavin.

Shouldn't you be on his side? After all, you American aristocracy should stick together. You and Gavin are no different. You deserve each other!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, 1:11 PM -

You are a total idiot. Why would a drinker with wealthy parents not be allowed to write about other drinkers with wealthy parents?

Should spots be banned from writing about women? College graduates? Meat-eaters?

Anonymous said...

yeah, Spots' parents are making her pay her dues by living in el barrio mission before her trust fund comes due..

just like Paris Hilton...

Anonymous said...

Peruvian flake diet ? think thats how GCN keeps his girlish figure?

Anonymous said...

He's a boozer and a user, sounds like he's right up your alley! ;)
Also who the fuck is Anon at 1:11PM?
Sounds like a poor, sober, jealous asshole to me.........
Andy Jay

That Chick said...

I was a little perplexed Gavin getting "loopey" on White Wine too. Though White Wine can have up to 15% alcohol per serving it would still take two to three bottles to put someone under the table...unless he was drinking on an empty stomach...
Maybe we should start a Meals On Wheels campaign to get Gavin to eat more.

Oh Beth, if a Gibson is your thing, try a screw driver or a rusty nail to put yourself under the table...

I wonder how bad a drinking contest to raise funds for Gavin's grocery bill is really in bad taste or just plain genius. I mean what else is he going to do with his wine collection now?