Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Mayor McHooch...

Okay, I’m finally coming to terms with this and managed to calm my frazzled and concerned emotions enough to focus my feelings.

Oh my god, Gavin I am so here for you!!!

Er, uh, anyway…I called this shit.
Allow me to chronicle the downfall.
Exhibit A: If you’ll recall, Gavin made the moves on me (and by moves, I mean he touched my back while laughing at my jokes. Uh, hello? L. O. V. E.) and I thought at the time he appeared “slightly drunk.” He date was slumped in a chair in the corner during our seven minutes of intense sexual tension.
Exhibit B: Dakota Fanning. Seriously. I can understand stupid hos and gorgeous hos and foreign hos and even hos from outer space. But child hos? He’s no rocket scientist, but Gavin is smarter than to cavort around town with a 12 year old Republican ho-stess. Something was going horribly, horribly wrong.
Exhibit C: The blueprint is clear; when in scandal, go to rehab. Everyone does it. Gavin is hardly original. I hope to one day be famous enough to do it myself. So as soon as Gavin stood before us looking gaunt and sad and lonely and in need of my affections proclaiming himself guilty of screwing his best friend’s wife, I was all up in everyone’s face screaming, “Rehab, bitches.”
Exhibit D: I invited Barstool to my high school reunion AND my birthday party. Boozsom didn’t even RSVP. There can only be one explanation for that, folks. He was passed out in his marble tiled bathroom, unable to think of a witty Evite response.
Finally, I’m not seeing this as a huge problem in terms of re-election. Please. Carole Migden is on crack and no one’s freaking out about that. Ross Mirkarimi has 17th century conquistador facial hair. And Aaron Peskin just posed in a fucking Speedo and goggles. My god, is no one asking what pharmaceutical concoction convinced him that was a good idea?
So I say rock on, Mayor Hooch. You’re okay by me. I love you both off and on the wagon…

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've already started the naming debate: Mayor McHooch vs. Boozsom.

Nice.

MollyNYC said...

I love Boozsom! I literally laughed out loud!

Anonymous said...

You are one crazy nutjob. Good thing you're hot.

Evan said...

I cannot WAIT until your SFGate blog tomorrow!!!!!

My co-worker and I have a bet. Will it be about the very obvious Gavin Fiasco of 2007? Or will it be a Spots Switcher-oo? I'm hoping for the latter, just to fuck with everyone.

Beth, we love you. You are BY FAR the only person saying anything interesting about the aforementioned fiasco and it's participants.

And we agree with anonymous above. You are indeed, quite a hottie.

Foxy G said...

Hey!!!

I love your site! Check out mine! Let's be friends! I'm back from my trip to the home planet!

Jerry said...

I vote for Boozsom. Genious!
NPR had a good report on his yesterday. I hope SF sticks by him.

Anonymous said...

I prefer Boozsom, btw. I just have to say, WTF Aaron Peskin??????
Andy Jay

btob said...

Rehab is amazing! Just 3 weeks cleansed Ted Haggard of that dreaded "homosexuality" disease. I bet once that was gone, the crystal meth use and infidelity were exorcised, too...

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/02/07/MNGISNVSPD1.DTL&hw=haggard&sn=001&sc=1000

Jackson said...

Damnit. Now I have to fucking be sensitive to Gavin as a human being. Not that I'll vote for him or anything.

Spots said...

I was driving home after a late meeting last night and I drove right past La Barca thinking to myself, if I knew a year ago what I know right now, I could be batting my eyelashes at a boozed up Mayor drinking alone and looking for action.

Fuck...