I shun western medicine. Laziness, poverty and stupidity make me think that I can diagnose and treat pretty much anything wrong with my body. Ignoring something generally makes it go away, folks. Furthermore, I’m somewhat certain I could perform surgery on myself, should the opportunity present itself.
I should also point out that right now, I don’t have dental.
Which makes the funky tooth vibe I’m getting on the upper left side of my mouth somewhat worrisome.
I can’t really see anything wrong, and I’d determined a few months ago that I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep, so I suspect my current problem to be related. Everyday, it’s been getting the teeniest bit worse, and while I’m not yet drowning in full blown tooth pain, something is definitely up.
I was just dispatched to Whole Foods to pick up office snack supplies and decided this 7 minute drive was the perfect opportunity to further explore my concerning oral problem. While stopped at a red light, I opened my make-up compact, shoved the mirrored half in my mouth and examined the reflection of my troubling tooth in my rear view mirror.
I am well aware that most of you have now run from your computers screaming in disgust. Hey, I don’t blame you. I am indeed quite disgusting. I mean, I drive around town with a make-up compact shoved in my mouth investigating a pressing dental problem. If any of you did that shit, I would not be friends with you.
What’s even more disturbing is the fact that I chose to share this personal horror with all of cyberspace. I’ve clearly got bigger problems than a wonky tooth.
But I’ve long ago given up on dignity and grace.
My tooth hurts. And I wanted to see it. Okay?
So I’m sitting here at this stoplight with an Almay Oil Free Pressed Powder hanging out of my mouth, oblivious to the world around me. All of a sudden, I’m jolted into reality by an orchestra of honking.
“Hey lady! What the hell are you doing?”
Oh my god. The light is green. And I’ve been sitting here channeling Dr. Jang.
I am the grossest person alive…