God bless the Golden Globs, the awards show where celebrities are given booze upon arrival. In my never ending quest to turn my roommate into a complete homosexual, we plopped down in front of the TV last night to watch both the highly exciting arrivals and actual show.
The obvious highlight of the red carpet was Ryan Seacrest’s interview of Brangelina. Once they’re led to the podium like cows to the slaughter, Seacrest dives in with a bunch of gay questions, all directed at Angelina and all answered by Brad. The entire time, Angie just stands there looking pissed. It was fabulous and you can see it right here. The whole interview, I was thinking, “What the hell kind of downer is she on?” It was like someone put a roofie in her organic green tea and I loved every second.
Also, is it just me or is Brad aging rather rapidly?
I wonder if they tried to adopt Dijon Hounsou.
The most ridiculously fabulous celebrity arrival was Sharon Stone, who still thinks she’s in the scene from Casino where she throws chips all over the place. Oh, and she arrived with the appallingly ridiculous Dominic “Let’s discuss the OJ trial” Dunne, who can’t write an article without dropping names no one’s given a shit about for 50 years.
The show was kicked off with the flawless Clooney, who handed out the first award of the night to Jennifer Hudson. I was delighted as shit about this, as Beyonce was all “I could’ve played that role if I wanted to pork up” or whatever, and then had to sit there and pretend to cry when Jennifer tripped up onto the stage looking all hot and healthy and Beyonce looked like a oiled up tranny hooker, pretending to cry tears of joy.
Prince won, but was apparently stuck in traffic (and by traffic, they probably mean hooking up with Seacrest) so Justin Timberlake had to accept for him and did so by pretending to be short and feminine. The whole time JT was on stage, I was begging the producers to cut to Cameron “Just Got Dumped” Diaz, but apparently, no one in the Hollywood Foreign Press realized that she was probably sitting in her seat trying to slit her wrists with a butter knife.
Cameron should take a lesson from Reese “How Ya Like Me Now” Witherspoon who is marvelous and wonderful and might as well walked on stage giving the finger to her ex-husband, she looked so hot.
The last thing I saw before falling fast asleep was Helen Mirren and some type of wardrobe malfunction. I’m currently scouring the internet rags for word on what went wrong, but I guess she’s such a class act, we’re not allowed to talk about how the back of her dress was completely falling apart because some jackass sat on her train.
In conclusion, and I know I’ve said this before, I fucking love awards shows. It’s the perfect symbiosis of show biz and fashion and each and every award delights me to my core. As I said to Mikey last night, “My dream in life is to one day accept a major award at an internationally televised awards show.”
Seriously. That’s it. That’s my entire dream…