Tuesday, January 23, 2007

pardon me...

I have an announcement to make.
I officially know everything there is to know about serial killers. And while this expertise is often put to good use (I can’t imagine we’d ever forget my Pub Quiz triumph and subsequent frightened friends) I have decided to broaden my horizons and select another subject with which to dominate.
Drumroll please.
Ladies and gentlemen, and due in large part to a suggestion from my dearest friend, I have settled on:
LONG TERM KIDNAPPING!
It was between that and cults, in case anyone is wondering and I’ve begun my newest quest for knowledge by refamiliarizing myself with the exciting kidnapping of the talented and beret-wearing Patty Hearst. I won’t begin to tell you how excited I am.
In reading all about this hot bitch, I can’t help but think what I would do were I a 19 year old heiress violently kidnapped, forced to live in a closet for 2 months, brainwashed and turned into a bank robber/urban guerilla.
First of all, I’m very, very tall and I would not be down with sleeping in some hall closet guarded by my rapist captor who watched me go to the bathroom everyday. I would thus request alternate arrangements, as I can be very persuasive. I get the feeling that Patty was like “Whatever” the whole time, going with the flow and waiting for Stockholm Syndrome to settle in, which is definitely not my style.
Also, I would never say "Death to the fascist insect that preys upon the life of the people" only because I cannot pull that crazy shit off. I just bought the cropped “Audrey Hepburn” pant from the Gap. I am a fascist insect.
Finally, who robs a bank in The Sunset?
That being said, I’m all about the beret. And I think we know who I’ll be dressed as for Halloween…

5 comments:

sfmike said...

Actually, on Halloween you need to go as both Patty AND Tania at the same time, split down the middle. Long hair hanging straight down one side and a beret on the other.

I knew Mizmoon, by the way, when she was Patricia Soltysik, President of the Usherettes at Dos Pueblos High School near Santa Barbara. They used to wear blue 60s flight attendant outfits with long white gloves and they would usher you to seats at anything remotely glitzy. She was the one who became a lesbian in the TV movie version of the tale.

lo said...

ok, has anyone else read the link that "LONG TERM KIDNAPPING" points to? that is seriously the most horrifying and disturbing story ever.

MattyMatt said...

Did you hear that This American Life from last Halloween, with the story told by the guy who once hitched a ride with some creepy teenagers and then was nearly never seen again? So scary! And fascinating.

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