Wednesday, January 31, 2007

dear gray cloud and spots...

Once again, I’ve waded through the dregs of Dear Abby to find you complete psychopaths who obviously need my help. Joining me in offering wise and sage advice to stupid people will be the highly controversial Gray Cloud, who possesses neither tolerance nor patience for, well…anything:

Dear Gray Cloud and Spots,
I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand.
Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Abby, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid.
I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving.
Am I being unreasonable?

Dear Furious,
What kind of idiot buys a cell phone for his side piece on the ‘family plan’, yet hides in the garage to call her? Or better yet, what kind of idiot marries him? It also worries me that something hasn’t yet occurred to you. He’s not just chatting on the family plan and babysitting her dreadful bastard child. He’s doing the lazy bitch.
They are not friends, Furious. They are fucking.
In the great words of Janet Jackson, what has he done for YOU lately? I mean, if she’s getting free cell phones and child-care, what do you want out of the deal? I’m thinking diamonds and spa treatments, but that’s just me.
Finally, what was his response to your ultimatum? Because if he’s happy wiping the snot off some brat and crouching behind the out of season holiday decorations, you’ll be needing to pack your plastic bags.
That being said, the only thing unreasonable about your letter is the fact all of you are completely retarded and should never bother me with this kind of crap. You deserve each other.
Your pal,

Dear Furious,
As a male chauvinist pig, I'm well aware of how to cheat on a woman and how to hide it, and this guy is bad at it.
Yeah he's cheating on you...are you kidding me? There's no way I'm gonna pay another woman's cell phone bill and baby-sit her kid unless I'm getting something in return...and I'm not talking about a fruit cake at Christmas. Ideally what this stooge should've done is
get a P.O. Box or something to have her phone, cable, Botox and whatever other bills he's paying for sent to. He's babysitting the kid because he doesn't want to go home to a Salisbury steak and your fat mid-western ass. She does have a job by the way. It's milking your husband for cash. It's full time, usually nights and weekends. The reason you guys can't afford that trip to the Mall of America this year isn't because he didn't get the Christmas bonus he wanted as manager of Applebee's, it's because he spent that bonus on Juicy Couture jumpsuits, white Louis Vuitton handbags and crystal meth for his undoubtedly peroxide-dependent mistress.
Listen here 'Furious', you need to leave this guy And as a guy, I really shouldn't be telling you that because I have a blind allegiance to all men before women. But we all know you won't leave him because you're a stay at home mom with a GED and this marriage is the only thing that you've got going for you. Your self esteem is so low that you're willing to put up with copious amounts of bullshit in order to obtain a false sense of security. Then the day will come when he gets sick of your ass and you two go fishing on lake superior and you don't come back because you’ve become the next, less-famous Laci Peterson. So either wise up or accept the sad inevitability of your life.
Try calling Martha Burke for advice next time and leave me the fuck alone.
~gray cloud


Anonymous said...

I love this new Gray Cloud. Hilarious.

lo said...

This made me laugh out loud. "It's full time, usually nights and weekends..."

Genius, GC.

Anonymous said...

Gray Cloud? Are you kidding me? I HATE Gray Cloud!!!!!

Spots, what the hell are you thinking? Down with Gray Cloud.

Spots said...

Up with Gray Cloud! I have always mainatained that, among other things, Gray Cloud is quite possibly the funniest person I know...

katie said...

Gray Cloud is hot. Just saying...

Anonymous said...

I agree. This surprisingly profound quote alone:
"you're willing to put up with copious amounts of bullshit in order to obtain a false sense of security."

I'm using this sentance. It sounds like people actually I know.

I have no idea who Gray Cloud actually is, nor do I care if he is hot or not, but I dig his rant.

Anonymous said...

I love this! You and "Gray Cloud" are on to something. I want more!

Anonymous said...

Well played Gray Cloud, well played. I can't help imagining, though, that this may be your future wife you're denouncing.

Red Feather

Anonymous said...

while i have to say that gray cloud's overwhelmingly positive response makes me a tad jealous, as my poetry has never received such adoration except from beth, who has a mother-like bias towards all things i do, i must put forth nonetheless, well said blank.

Anonymous said...

Our whole office has a new hero: Gray Cloud!!!!

Who is Gray Cloud? Why do you call him that? More, please.