I think that maybe God would rather I stay home and watch Law and Order than attempt physical activity. Honorary Roomie and I have a standing Saturday morning date for “Bootcamp.” HR is a fitness junkie and gym rat and enthusiastically seeks out opportunities to sweat. Planning ways to torture my huge ass is one of the highlights of her week and this Saturday was no exception.
“I have a plan!”
“What’s your plan?”
“We’re going to climb Divisidero. 5 times.”
“It’s pouring rain.”
Fine. I’ve always wanted to experience pneumonia. We set out at our usual meeting point, the Marina Green. By the time we made it to the base of the Divisidero hill, we were soaked. 2 blocks up that mountain, I hollered at my closest friend, “You stupid bitch. This is nuts.”
“Ugh, fine. We’ll take it indoors. There’s a 24 Hour Fitness right by Marina Safeway.”
By the time we made it over there, the rain had stopped, but there was no way I was marching back to Divis just for the skies to open up on us again. We found 2 stairmasters side by side and started climbing. MarinaGym and GhettoGym are vastly different experiences. MarinaGym was like a goddamn frat house, boys standing around looking gorgeous in UVA baseball hats and Abercrombie shirts worn during date rapes.
And the women…Jesus Christ. Literally, I felt like a cautionary body, encouraging the flawless blondes to up their incline just so they don’t wind up like me.
After a dreadful spin with those horrible free weights, we headed down the stairs in an attempt to get the fuck out of there. At the base of the stairwell, a sign announced EXIT with arrows pointing to the left, back into the gym and regular exit, and to the right, a lonely hallway and side exit.
Obviously, I voted for lonely hallway.
I pushed open that side door and smelled sweet, rainy freedom, just as I noticed a huge red sign. “Open Door and Alarm will sound.”
You’d have thought all of San Francisco was under attack.
A highly agitated and visibly pissed off MarinaGym employee raced outside and found us frozen on the sidewalk.
“Oh my god, we’re so sorry.”
“There was an exit sign.”
“It pointed us here.”
He rolled his eyes and frantically plugged some numbers into a keypad on the wall as every single mascara’d eye glared at us from the treadmills.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
As we walked to the car, we marveled at how openly pissed MarinaGym employee was, getting slightly miffed ourselves at his blatant hatred of us and our stupid mistake. I hugged my drill instructor goodbye and unlocked my car. All of a sudden, I heard it again.
The goddamn alarm.
Apparently, we weren’t the only retards at MarinaGym.
Suddenly, GhettoGym wasn’t looking that bad. Their jaded employees wouldn’t set an alarm if they had one, and sadly, I’m the hottest ho in that place…