Thanksgiving is one hell of a holiday. We kicked off Thursday with a visit to my grandmother’s retirement home. If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that my 93 year old grandmother has completely lost her mind, something that while horrible and shitty and painful, we’ve decided to find funny. When in doubt, find it funny, right?
I tend to avoid seeing my grandmother these days, as going over there seems to stick a knot in my stomach and make me anxious. I mean, all of a sudden, she could bust out with something about whores and rape.
My mother has gotten comparatively used to this, and was chipper as could be when we walked into the 3rd Floor Care Wing (aka: Crazytown.)
“Have you met Jean?” My mother enthusiastically asked as we waited outside Grandma’s room while 57 people changed her clothes.
“What?” I responded, annoyed.
“The new woman in charge of the third floor!”
“Mom, seriously. I’ll do the meet and greet with all your cronies later. Let’s just get this shit over with.”
“She’s transgendered, Beth.”
God bless my mom for finding the awesome in Crazytown. Nothing takes the edge off a visit with Grandma like a tranny. Needless to say, the residents are oblivious to “Jean,” whose celebrity equivalent is a middle aged, overly made-up Rosemary Clooney circa 1987. And needless to say, Jean is awesome, offering us pumpkin pie and chatting politely with Mrs. Johnson, who no doubt can’t figure out why the lovely Jean can’t find a husband.
By the time I was done meeting Jean, dealing with Grandma wasn’t that bad. Maybe it was the champagne. Maybe it was my Grandma’s preoccupation with her lipstick as opposed to my love life or ass-size. Maybe it was simply the fact that when she screamed at my brother, “Can I have your shoulder to cry on!?!?!?!?!” we call chose to laugh and not to freak out.
On our way out, my uncle Ted, dad and I stopped by the giant calendar posted near the front desk. In between 10am “Vitality with Jack” and the curious “Happy Hour,” was the month’s 4pm movie selections. Next week, should you want to visit my Grandma, stick around for “Brokeback Mountain” and “TransAmerica.”
I’m not kidding.
My giggling uncle leaned over. “You think Jean’s in charge of the movie selections?”
To be continued…