for robyn...

Scroll down a little bit and you’ll see a picture of a baby. I was reminded today of his grandmother, a fabulous woman who served as my surrogate mother when I found myself living in Pennsylvania several years ago. A young woman away from home, I relied on my PA mom for matriarchal words of wisdom and advice and she’d often offer her services as “Rent A Bitch.” This brilliant concept involves hiring my PA mom to scream, yell, hassle and stalk any proprietor who wasn’t providing service at the level you’d require.
I channeled her bitchy genius today and hoped I’d live up to her immense skills in this arena.
My job requires dealing with a gentleman periodically, who has been officially classified by my all-female office as a “woman hater.” He’s desperate for our business, but simply can’t bring himself to respect, acknowledge or tolerate any word out of our mouths. Why we continue to work with this guy is beyond me, other than the fact that his proximity is highly desirable and he’s cheap.
I’m struggling with a NyQuil hangover this morning, in no mood for Woman Hater and his big bag of bullshit, so when he sassed me at 9:30am and told me to, for all intensive purposes, get off my ass, I harnessed my “Rent A Bitch” chi and snapped.
“I NEED TWO THINGS FROM YOU!” I screamed. “I need the work done and I need you to be nice to me! I am sick, I am tired and I have to work all day on Sunday. What can I do to facilitate your being professional and polite? Seriously. I always have this problem with you and I simply can’t pretend not to today. I don’t like you and you don’t like me. But you want this job and I need it done, right?”
Silence. “RIGHT?”
“Right.”
“Okay, then. So why don’t YOU get off your ass, treat me like a client and get this shit done. Because I am in no mood, pal and you do not want to fuck with me today.”
I slammed down the phone and looked around, the ladies in my office staring at me in stunned silence.
“That was fucking awesome.”
“I can’t believe you just did that.”
“Man, Spots letting Woman Hater have it. Wow.”
Shaking, I got up and grabbed a bottled water. “Oh my god, you guys. I’m so riled up.”
Suddenly, the phone rang.
“Um, Beth. It’s for you. It’s Woman Hater.”
“Hi Beth. I just wanted to apologize. I was out of line.”
Oh my god. This is unheard of.
Fuck yeah, bitch! How ya like me now?
Thank you, original Rent A Bitch. The student has officially become the master…