Once again, Ben and I have decided to rip off that hack, Dear Abby and respond to her mail in rhyme. However, upon receiving Ben's poetic response, there's no point in my trying to meet his ridiculous skills. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Ben Lang is my favorite.
DEAR BEN: There's a man in our community I'll call "Uncle Harry." Uncle Harry is in his mid-70s and considers himself one of the finest Christians in the area. Many of us, however, know this to be an exaggeration.
The main problem with Uncle Harry is his insistence on hugging almost all the women he comes in contact with. These "hugs" are not chaste, loose hugs about the shoulders. Uncle Harry insists on bear hugs, where he puts both arms around the woman and presses her breasts against his chest. Occasionally, his hands will also drift to the area of the buttocks. What can be done about Uncle Harry? I see him as a sexual predator, but he insists his hugs are just an example of his fine Christian fellowship. -- NO HUGS, PLEASE, IN ALABAMA
And now, Ben...
In Alabama there is a town
That's home to an old Christian man
The hair is fading from atop his crown
And still he lives by the Jesus plan
The homeless spit as he serves them soup
He takes it in stride and with love
He walks all the way home to sit upon his stoop
and gives thanks to the Lord up above
His bones are old and his muscles tired
Arthritic and in constant pain
But every morning, you should be inspired
He walks to church in snow and in rain
A smile always upon his face
Seems to be the furthest thing from scary
He gives a wave as the folks pass by
"Hey everyone, its me, Uncle Harry!"
But ladies look out, he's not what he seems
Though a solid Christian is the face that he shows
Behind that bald head, and those twinkly eyes
No one talks about it, but everyone knows
He comes up real slow, like a kindly old gent
"Mrs. Johnson, you look lovely today
And those daughters of yours, they must be heaven sent"
Look out, now the tale goes astray
Mrs J politely smiles and sticks out her hand
Hoping to get away with just a quick shake
Uncle Harry carries on according to plan
After all, his horniness is at stake
He moves in for the kill, puts his arms around her waist
Says "Praise Jesus" and pulls her in close
But in his head he's thinking, "Lord I just need a taste
Of the ass inside those panty hose"
As he pulls away, his hands slide on down
He grazes it finally, at last!
He thinks there's nothing better than a woman fighting a frown
As he subtly carresses her ass
But theres nothing they can do, he's a kind Christian man
At seventy degrees his fake teeth start to chatter
Are you gonna throw him in jail, make him take the stand
He's old, its an ass grab, what's it matter?
The real lesson here is on a broader scale
Around Christians you have to be wary
Ask Muslims or Jews, they have much worse tales
So keep your kids away from Uncle Harry...