You know you’re life is in the crapper when you experience extreme sexual tension with a hobo.
I was driving to work incredibly early, as I had to swing by Safeway and pick up food for tonight’s dinner party. My window was down as I was loudly singing along to Energy 92.7’s playing of the George Michael classic, “I Want Your Sex.” Lo and behold, I find myself stopped at a red light, directly next to an inebriated and/or crazy hobo who instantly recognized the tune.
A mere 3 or 4 feet away, he stumbled over to my window, sticking his face right next to mine. “I WANT YOUR SEX!”
“HEY BABY, I WANT YOUR FUCKIN’ SEX! YOU HEAR ME?”
Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god.
I couldn’t really roll up my window. For some reason, I felt it would be rude. I certainly couldn’t make eye contact. That would imply consent and perhaps, returned feelings. Instead, I was forced to stare straight ahead begging for that goddamn light to mother fucking change.
“SEX IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD DO. SEX IS SOMETHING FOR ME AND YOU. SEX IS NATURAL, SEX IS FUN.”
He was literally screaming in my face. I can’t express this enough. Seriously. Verbatim lyrics, the whole nine yards.
“SEX IS BEST WHEN IT’S ONE ON ONE!!!!!”
Green finally glowed back at me as he hit that last line, Rhonda the Honda leaping forward to safety. I slowly relaxed, after changing the radio station and rolling up that stupid window.
Obviously, I’ll have to drive back the very same way upon my return home. You think I could get ENERGY 92.7 to play “Good Vibrations?”