I bet you think we make these up. We don’t. I found this on yesterday’s Dear Abby. As Big Chris is on haitus at the Police Academy, Ben Number One and I will now respond in our preferred mode of communication, rhyme:
DEAR Spots and Benji:
I have lived, so far, through eight years of hell with my husband. The one year of heaven was the year before we were married. I won't go into the hell I have been put through, I just want your definition of a real man. If you put this in the paper, please don't reveal my name.
Signed,
NEEDS TO KNOW IN SACRAMENTO
Spots’ response:
Oh my god, Dear Needs to Know,
My mind is blown, you stupid ho.
You suffer through eight years of hell
With Lucifer and still you dwell?
More to the point, a real man you seek
I’ll break it down. He does not reek.
He’s got a job, a home, a plan.
But this alone is not a man.
A man, he ponders, he studies, he thinks
A man eats meat. A true man, he drinks.
A real man likes women who rarely cower
Women who argue and exude their power
A man sees heels and won’t make you walk far
He’ll park it valet or go get the car
A real man has classy suits and good ties
A real man hates thin girls and he never lies
Real men, you see, don’t have ugly moustaches
But they do have nice hands and really long lashes
Real men remember birthdays and save mementos
And real men, it seems, aren’t in Sacramento
So fly, fly away, my dear little Starling
And find some real man who will call you darling.
Reality check: Your marriage is through.
Don’t write to us. Just get a damn clue…
Benji's response:
it looks like things aren't going to well
for the mystery lady living in hell
she needs to know in sacramento
what a real man is, i'll answer, here we go
i'd say he'd probably have beard
(at least most of the time...lately its sheared)
eyes of blue, skin is tan
we're getting closer to what is a real man
short and sandaled, another good start
a pack of cigarettes close to his heart
weird and funny, a slight southern twang
could it be? i dont know. it must. ben lang!
yes, yes that's it
a real man he is
he just snaps his fingers
bras fly off with a whiz
the girls in his presence
the pressure they can't stand
they feel their knees tremble
they cant believe it...a real man!
amazing in bed
he'll go fast, he'll go slow
give me a call sacramento
thats all you need to know
DEAR Spots and Benji:
I have lived, so far, through eight years of hell with my husband. The one year of heaven was the year before we were married. I won't go into the hell I have been put through, I just want your definition of a real man. If you put this in the paper, please don't reveal my name.
Signed,
NEEDS TO KNOW IN SACRAMENTO
Spots’ response:
Oh my god, Dear Needs to Know,
My mind is blown, you stupid ho.
You suffer through eight years of hell
With Lucifer and still you dwell?
More to the point, a real man you seek
I’ll break it down. He does not reek.
He’s got a job, a home, a plan.
But this alone is not a man.
A man, he ponders, he studies, he thinks
A man eats meat. A true man, he drinks.
A real man likes women who rarely cower
Women who argue and exude their power
A man sees heels and won’t make you walk far
He’ll park it valet or go get the car
A real man has classy suits and good ties
A real man hates thin girls and he never lies
Real men, you see, don’t have ugly moustaches
But they do have nice hands and really long lashes
Real men remember birthdays and save mementos
And real men, it seems, aren’t in Sacramento
So fly, fly away, my dear little Starling
And find some real man who will call you darling.
Reality check: Your marriage is through.
Don’t write to us. Just get a damn clue…
Benji's response:
it looks like things aren't going to well
for the mystery lady living in hell
she needs to know in sacramento
what a real man is, i'll answer, here we go
i'd say he'd probably have beard
(at least most of the time...lately its sheared)
eyes of blue, skin is tan
we're getting closer to what is a real man
short and sandaled, another good start
a pack of cigarettes close to his heart
weird and funny, a slight southern twang
could it be? i dont know. it must. ben lang!
yes, yes that's it
a real man he is
he just snaps his fingers
bras fly off with a whiz
the girls in his presence
the pressure they can't stand
they feel their knees tremble
they cant believe it...a real man!
amazing in bed
he'll go fast, he'll go slow
give me a call sacramento
thats all you need to know
5 comments:
is that a Princess Bride reference in the title? awesome.
well done...
stop rhyming, I mean it.
These are really funny! Well done you two!
Yo, Beth,
You're a poet, and you know it.
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