Wednesday, October 18, 2006

thirtysomething never looked so good...

Sure, last week was Dani’s birthday and Saturday is Ben’s birthday. And sure, the two of them are the two of the most important people of all time. Sure, I usually crank out a birthday blog post for those in the inner circle and sure, I still worship them both.
More than anything.
Well, almost anything.
Folks. We forgot.
October 10th. Gavin’s Birthday.
After completely flipping out, punching my fist through a wall and desperately calling his office to no avail, I finally got his Birthday Itinerary and will share it with you here:

Mayor Gavin Newsom: Schedule, October 10, 2006

8:00am: Wake up alone
8:10am: Shower
8:30am: Prepare ensemble choices
8:45am: Obligatory phone call from family member.
8:50am: Dress and application of hair products
8:55am: Final spritz of cologne
9:00am: Depart residence
9:15am: Breakfast with senior staff
9:45am: Uncomfortable phone call from Sofia Milos from her quarrantine cell on Ellis Island. Thanks her for her gift of L.R. Hubbard’s autographed headshot, which reads, “Happy Birthday Gareth!”
10:00am: Walk around Civic Center Plaza to contemplate 39 years of near-perfection. Listens to “Jerry Maguire Soundtrack” on iPod.
10:13am: Picks up litter.
10:35am: Returns to office. Reads Beth’s blog. Dismayed to find lack of birthday sentiment.
10:45am: Uncomfortable phone call from Kimberly Golddigger. Thanks her for her gift of Court TV beach towel and congratulates her on her new child. Hangs up as she whispers, “I wish he were yours.”
11:00am: Secretly watches Rachel Ray’s new daytime talk show in office.
12:00noon: Lunch at Aqua with Willie Brown and array of scantily clad, middle aged women.
1:30pm: Returns to office. Checks Beth’s blog again. Nothing. WTF?
2:00pm: Uncomfortable office birthday party. Formal cake and awkward wishes from employees. Caught glancing at watch and eyeing intern.
2:45pm: Re-application of hair gel. (won’t make THAT mistake again.)
3:00pm: Uncomfortable call from Brittanie Mountz. Confirms plans to meet for brief drink at Tosca and thanks her for card made out of construction paper and dried pasta.
3:15pm: Review “Solve World Hunger” file. Develop solution.
4:30pm: Forward Birthday e-mail from Bill Clinton to old fraternity buddies, with the subject line, “Eat this, ladies.”
5:15pm: Drop off birthday cake leftovers to favorite hobo, Patches.
5:30: Meet Brittanie at Tosca. Open gift (a copy of Bridget Jones Diary 2, The Edge of Reason and a scented candle) and thank. Sip Manhattan and watch the clock.
6:00pm: Depart Tosca to meet “friends” at City Tavern. Show them gifts from Brittanie and laugh.
7:15pm: Depart City Tavern for Birthday Dinner at Gary Danko with sister and friends. Discuss concern over turning 40 in one year. Must cure cancer by then.
10:30pm: Depart Gary Danko for after dinner drinks at Bourbon and Branch with hot woman from Hobo Shelter. Name something like Karen or Katie. Ask bartender to find out.
11:45: Exhaustion due to advanced age. Re-application of gel in bar bathroom. Examine wrinkles.
12:30am: Drunk-text Erin Brodie.
12:31am: Erin Brodie enthusiastic text back.
12:45am: Arrange regretful bootie call.
1:00am: Ditch Karen/Katie. Depart for home.
1:15am: Arrive home. Check Beth’s blog for birthday post. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. What the fuck?
1:16am: Depression. Decide that Erin Brodie isn’t worth the trouble/VD. Turn off lights. Pretend no one home.
1:20am: Ignore repeated doorbell.
1:29am: Brodie departs.
1:30am: Quiet meditation, prayer and reflection.
2:00am: Draft e-mail to Beth, expressing disappointment in lack of blog post. Re-think and delete, embarrassed.
2:30am: Re-read birthday e-mail print-out from Bill Clinton. Smile and finally fall asleep, dreaming of a world full of peace, hope and bloggers who remember fucking birthdays…


b.t.o.b. said...

I understand how Gavin feels...

Spots said...

Because Jason shares a birthday with Mikey, he got fucked. And I will never hear the end of it. But what Jason doesn't know is that one day, when he least expects it, the second he forgets to check, there will be a manifesto to his metrosexual greatness and a proclamation of my undying love right here, published on the internet, so everyone will know...

b.t.o.b. said...

Awww, you have a fan for life!!!

Towski said...

I'm concerned that you think it only takes hizzoner 5 minutes to apply hair products.

KG said...

Oh lord, your schedules make me pee..

Sunset Boy said...

Cool. My Dad and Gavin share a birthday! David turned one month old today!

Anonymous said...

This is fucking HILARIOUS! Genius! This should be in magazines. Very funny, Spots.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"8:50am: Dress and application of hair products"

Shouldn't that be, "from 8:50 to 10:05?"

Spots said...

I think he's probably got it down to a science by now. I live in constant devestation that people focus all of their energies on his hair and none on his fabulous taste in clothing.
Finally, how can he possibly ever change his coiffure? It's the permanent topic of city-wide scrutiny...

greg said...

he is one of the best dressed people I know ,and he puts me to shame.

I talked to him at a garden party in the summer and he came in all casual and yet way more put together than anyone else...putting all us guys to shame...We might as well have been wearing "I Am a Loser" tshirts next to this guy. I mean, shit. How can we compete?

Writeprocrastinator said...

He does have good taste in clothes, but short of a crewcut, how can anyone not notice the hair?

I swear, between Newsome, Ross Mirkarimi and Matt Gonzalez, San Francisco now has the most coiffed city political figures ever.

Contrast that with the "bald is beautiful" era of Willie Brown and Frank Jordan, as well as the bad bouffant of Diane Feinstein. San Francisco knows hair.

Anonymous said...

Saw you on ABCnews and stayed to read. You are hilarious! And not just the Newsom stuff. Well done and way to go national!

matt said...

F'ing Laugh Out Loud Hilarious. I just forwarded this to everyone I know.

jerry said...

I too found your site from the abcNews article. GReat stuff all around! You made a new fan. Thanks!

Spots said...

Thanks kiddies!