Because I have a younger brother who is my very best friend, I have grown to love (in a myriad of ways) his many cohorts and I have always maintained that my favorite is Ben. Ever since I saw him walk down the aisle of St. Patrick’s in a loincloth and flip flips as the Little Drummer Boy in the 1989 Christmas Pageant, I have loved Ben. And while I’m well aware that Ben is a little twinkle-eyed, man-whore heartbreaker, I prefer to think of him as saint-like and untouched by sin. Now that he’s grown up and has an office job, he’s stuck in front of a computer all day and, bored, has chosen to sign off his e-mails with a poem. We’ve gone back and forth over the past few days, trying to one-up each other’s rhyming skills and I think that little Benji cinched it. Enjoy our correspondence:
If ever there was someone
Who oozed out grace and glamour
No one oozes more than Beth
Say different, you're face'll see a hammer!
A twinkle in his eye
and a little Southern twang
No one loves a boylike
I love Ben Lang...
All my days are filled with wonder
My heart, it leaps, over and under
"What a weirdo" people say
All under their breath
And I say lay off!
I'm thinking of Beth!
All the colors of the rainbow
and black-white like a zebra
couldn't capture the essence
of my favorite Libra
Not a canvas so big
or a mural so wide
could paint all the feelings
that I feel inside
If I had one week,
one day or one hour
I'd spend it with Ben
Masculine God full of power
In closing, I'll say
in his 23rd year
only one thing I'd change
I wish Benji were queer
But the ladies he loves
And they love him back
But some bitch gives him trouble
and I'll give her a smack.
Alas if Beth could just have her way
I'd be just the same, though I'd have to be gay
we'd sit and discuss my sexual follies
(there'd probably be a good story with andy jolley)
When attending smashing parties, Beth would pick me
To go as her date, people would say "oh who's he?"
"Hands off ladies!" you’d shout, this is my date Ben
and sorry, he tastes only fruit of the men
Days filled with shopping, nights on the town
at length discussions on the joys of going down
on men that is, because I would be gay
alas, if Beth could just have her way
We'd sit and imagine undoing the layers
of clothes on male celebrities, especially the mayor
To see actual pictures good money we'd pay
If only, if only, if only I were gay
but alas, I am not, a straight man I am
I only like women, green eggs, and ham
but just wait by men, perhaps you'll have your hour
and maybe you’ll get me: Masculine God full of Power!
Yeah. I know. He won…