Here I sat, in a perfectly good mood, hardly hungover considering, sipping my fancy coffee and listening to the new Scissor Sisters album, Ta-Da! So you can imagine my disgust and horror upon cracking open my morning paper and finding THIS.
#1. Since WHEN is she his GIRLFRIEND? Is that legal? What, did she like make him a friendship bracelet or something? Is she drawing swirly hearts and stars on her geometry notebooks with GN+BM. (Her initials are BM. Yay!)
#2. If Gavin is so apparently oblivious to her obvious alcoholism, see #1. Clearly, to officially declare each other BF/GF requires “the talk.” We all know “the talk.” If Gavin and BM had “the talk”, don’t you think he would’ve said something along the lines of, “Okay, Brittanie. I will call you my girlfriend. But you’ve got to stop putting cheap gin in your Squeeze-Its. Not only is it illegal, it’s tacky.” She was drinking “wine.” Since when is passion fruit Arbor Mist “wine”?
#3. A republican!?! Are you shitting me? So she’s opposed to homos and hobos, Gavin’s two favorite things! She probably throws her beer cans at gay hobos and desperately wants to go to war with Canada. A republican. I can’t believe it.
In closing, I’m afraid I have to spend some serious time reconsidering my devotion to a man who “dates” a child hooch whore who, when she isn’t pounding vodka and red bull, is voting in favor of the destruction of the free world. How can a man so wonderful, charming and brilliant consistently date the stupidest women on earth, or in Kimberly’s case, within our solar system?
Well, it DID work for Bill…