Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i'm just waiting on the paperwork...

I like to think of myself as hip to the trends. So I’ll be adopting a third world child any day now. I always thought it was fun to pronounce “Cote d’Ivoire” so my child will probably come from there, and since the official language is French, little Gilles Laurent Spotswood will be clad exclusively in the Chanel Boys Collection. Instead of wandering around his village an orphan, eating mush and swatting flies out of his eyes, he’ll be sitting on a stoop in the Mission District listening to low-riders blasting Mariachi music and learning all about his new village’s illustrious leader, Monsieur Newsom. Once a year, little Gilles Laurent and I will return to his village on the Cote d’Ivoire where I will parade him around in a parasol and sailor suit and instruct him to pass out toothbrushes and iPods to the village children.
We’ll also get together with Angelina and Madonna every so often, meeting at the United Nations in unnecessary business suits and patting ourselves on the back for being so internationally compassionate. Calling ourselves the Mia Farrow Society, we’ll encourage other fabulous women to crack open an atlas and point, then jet-set into the random country selected and pick out the cleanest looking baby.
Eventually, I’ll adopt more little orphan children, always from different continents and always given slightly patronizing first names, like my little Eskimo daughter, Suinnak. Once I have enough for a basketball game, we’ll travel the world with our variety show, The United Colors of Spotswood and perform at retirement homes and prisons, each child wearing a sequined version of the traditional costume of their country of origin…

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ha! It's like all of a sudden, having your own baby is so passe. Very funny.

xxx said...

Spots, I love your blog. But adoption is a serious thing.

Anonymous said...

I have 2 things to say:

#1. This is fucking funny.
#2. I was adopted from an orphanage in China.

Chill out. She's making fun of celebs, not kids.

becky said...

Picture of BM with a wine glass.

He didn't notice the wine smell from the glass held under his nose?

http://www.nobhillgazette.com/celebritywatch.htm

sfmike said...

Toothbrushes and iPods for the village children? That, I'm afraid, is too mean and brilliant for words.

Good luck with your ABC interview. Those network people are so evil.

mal said...

I'm concerned that little Gilles Laurent will get the shit kicked out of him if you make him carry the parasol...