Now that I’m a huge, internationally famous celebrity-stalker, I’m being bombarded with requests for an interview. Couric? No way, Katie. Walters? She already had her chance. There’s only one, folks. And I think we all know who I’m talking about.
Oprah: Well, it’s an honor to sit here with the infamous Spots: blogger, boozer and overall loudmouth. How does it feel to be a national expert on the mating habits of a local political figure?
Spots: Well, Oprah, I’ll be honest. It’s been a whirlwind. I mean, I’m an expert on lots of things, like what wine is on sale at Safeway or how to steal a parking space from a tourist. But to be quoted on my favorite subject of all time? Well, it’s been a dream come true.
Oprah: What do your friends and family think of all this?
Spots: Obviously, they’re very emotional about it all. I think I heard Michael’s voice crack when he squealed, “They kinda made you sound psychotic.” And I could almost hear my mother beaming with pride when she offered, “I don’t think you should call this guy back.” My father is so excited, he hasn’t yet figured out how to open the link.
Oprah: Touching. You know, in reading your brave and bold 11 words read by dozens, I was impressed by your candor and articulate expression of what most believe to be a borderline dangerous obsession. How do you balance the monitoring of a stranger’s personal life with your own?
Spots: What personal life?
Oprah: Moving on, do you think Gavin has ever found your blog? And if so, any guesses on what he’d think?
Spots: No way. Gavin’s too busy halting nuclear war, saving the rainforests and teaching Brittanie long division to read a stupid blog. But if he did read my manifestos, I suspect he’d find them inappropriately interesting.
Oprah: You regard him highly.
Spots: Are you fucking with me, Ope? I regard anyone in a tailored Italian pinstripe highly. Plus, Gavin is like a well-geled super-hero, flying around San Francisco rescuing kittens from trees and giving his empty water bottles to hobos. He’s like Jesus, walking into hospitals and miraculously curing the hideous and infirm. Gavin wakes up in the morning and decides to do things like reverse pollution and cease all discrimination.
Oprah: So do I!
Spots: Yeah, but you’re a lesbian…