Wednesday, October 25, 2006

can i borrow your dog for a second...

To quote Larry David, only 2 kinds of people wear sunglasses inside: blind people and assholes. I, it turns out, am an asshole. I just ran down to SuburbaMarket to grab something for lunch and finding not only a fabulous parking space right in front, but money in the meter, I swooped in and grabbed my favorite Chinese Chicken Salad and a Diet Snapple. In my haste, I did not remove my sunglasses. This was not meant as some sartorial urban jab at the trophy wives congregated by the prepared foods section, although as I grabbed my pre-made salad, I became aware that sunglasses inside SuburbaMarket is not kosher with the Baby Bjorn crowd.
“Nice sunglasses, honey. Too bright in here?”
I stopped dead in my tracks. Is this bitch talking to me? Oh, hell no. I looked over to find a soccer mom, the kind that wears her tennis whites to jury duty, staring at her friend but clearly rolling her eyes at me and my stupid glasses.
“I’m sorry. What?”
“Oh, uh, nothing. I just like your sunglasses.”
Hey Fifi, if you wanna dance, let’s go. Otherwise, shut your pie hole and mind your business.
I decided my passive-aggressive, over apologizing tactic was in order.
“Oh, god. I’m sorry. I’m such a dork, wearing my sunglasses inside. You’re absolutely right. What kind of person does that? Thank you for calling me on it. Oh, how embarrassing.”
“Oh, no, no, no.” She whined. “I didn’t mean to…” She trailed off, and hastily moved to another section of the store.
I stood there holding my salad and feeling like an idiot. Stupid Spots, I thought. I should’ve just pretended I was blind…

3 comments:

sfmike said...

Actually, it's Larry David who is either blind or an asshole. He left out another category of people with sunglasses inside: those with dilated pupils either from drug use or a trip to the optician. And yet another category: People who are just too fabulous to bother taking them off because they'll be recognized in all their fabulousness, and I'm sure you fell into the latter category. And I appreciated your guilt trip karate on the guilt trippers at Holier Than Thou Suburbastore, by the way. It was great.

The "Mind" said...

That bitch so deserved it. Seriously.

greg said...

“Oh, no, no, no.” She whined. “I didn’t mean to…” She trailed off, and hastily moved to another section of the store.

Well then wtf did she mean? I hate it when people like that talk smack then try to act like they "didn't mean it that way."