Friday, September 22, 2006

porn probably kills mice...

I never realized SuburbaGas sold porn until this morning. There I stood, thinking I looked like Jackie O. in Capri circa 1970 in my yoga pants, sunglasses and head scarf, mixing my Splenda into my crappy coffee when in walked a gorgeous, age appropriate, ringless physician in Dr. Doug Ross-esque scrubs.
Ding Dong.
I stood up straight and made room for him near the wooden swizzle sticks. He reached for an empty cup and smiled. “Good morning.”
“Good morning!” I screamed back, far too enthusiastically.
Silence.
I needed to speak again, to somehow make up for my stupid yelling. “So, you’re a doctor. Is Splenda really going to kill me?”
He laughed. “Probably not. But Sweet N’ Low is really bad.”
“I know. It causes cancer in mice. It says so right on the packet.”
“I think you’ll be fine with your Splenda.” He cooed, as he dumped a cup of half and half into his flavored coffee. Hmmm. Not so cool, but the scrubs make up for it. Suddenly, he spoke again.
“I really want a doughnut, too.”
“I really want like, eight doughnuts.” I responded. “It’s not like THEY kill mice.”
“No, but they kill humans.”
I sighed. “This is why I hate going to the doctor.”
He laughed again. Hazaa! I mentally picked out my wedding China.
“Have a good morning.” He smiled. “Enjoy that Spleda.”
And with that, he walked up to the counter to pay. I eyed him subtly, finishing my coffee blending and getting in line nearby. That’s when I saw him pause, turn to the magazine rack and start flipping through the magazines.
Not People, not Esquire, not even Maxim.
Doctor Doughnut went straight for the porn. He pulled out a pre-wrapped “Hot Leggs” or similar, depicting what appeared to be a woman completely bent over on the cover, and threw it on the counter.
He then paid, had the balls to look over at me and smile again, and left.
Folks, I understand that people buy porn. Humans spend more on porn than on any other form of entertainment combined. But my doctor? Buying shitty, low end, tucker porn?
I mentally returned my wedding China to its shelf at Gumps and dejected, felt a lot less like Jackie O. in Capri circa 1970 and a lot more like Jackie Kennedy eyeballing Marilyn Monroe in 1962…

5 comments:

Sam said...

do you think it will end up in the doctors' waiting room along with the copies of 'retirement weekly' and 'my perfect home' when he's finished with it?

And, please, NO! No jokes about the pages sticking together. Such an occurance could easily be explained away by doughnut-sticky fingers, surely?

The "Mind" said...

Maybe he worked at a fertility clinic? Maybe? Take it and run, that is the best excuse I have for him.

The "Mind" said...

Oh, and I just looked at your links. I'm a Ritter Sport Peppermint kind of gal. Totally puts York to shame.

sam said...

me ritter marzipan girl

Anonymous said...

Your bio on your work's website is hilarious. Why do you love burned popcorn?