Tuesday, August 15, 2006

i've made her sound like the italian celine dion, which is probably accurate...

On occasion, Sofia “Mama Celeste” Milos e-mails me now that her ex-boyfriend is obsessed with yours truly. Internet access on Ellis Island isn’t what it used to be, so I’ve been getting a lot of bouncebacks from that quarantined piece of Eurotrash and I thought I’d share some of them with you.

Elisabetta! I write this to you as I gaze upon the beautiful Hudson Ocean and the city towers of the City of New York. I read on the blog page that you see HIM, and at first I do the gasp and cry a little but I you know I love the female form and I love you! So yes to that, eh! He laugh at me all the time too, yet I never know why but oh well. You like Tosca? I no like the food, which I don’t eat. I feast on the soul, girl! Be well. You call my lawyer?
Reach for the Stars!
Sofia

Dear Sofia,
I’d appreciate it if you’d study English a little harder. Your “writing” is very difficult to read. I don’t mean to be rude, but you owe it to our gender not to sound like an idiot. Did you get the crayons I sent? I did indeed run into HIM, and I can see why you’re still so enamored. He really is quite something. Please don’t cry as it will only make you look older than you already do. I haven’t been able to get in touch with your attorney as it appears he was recently disbarred. You’ll have to sit tight in your quarantine cell until I’m able to locate someone willing to deal with you.
Regards,
Beth

Oh Elisabetta! How super duper to hear from you. I try to learn the English but when I ask for the tutor they send me letter which say this:
Ms. Milos,
We regret to inform you that budgetary restraints prohibit us from spending money to teach you anything for two reasons. 1. You’re being deported to a non-English speaking country and thus, your horrible language skills don’t affect us and 2. Preliminary testing indicates an IQ of below 80, thus disqualifying you from receiving any educational services. You are also prohibited from using the Ellis Island gym due to your inability to follow the ‘Clothing Required’ rule, clearly posted in 62 languages at both entrances.
Sincerely,
EIMS (Ellis Island Management and Staff)
What this mean? I get crayons but leave them in sun by my window and they melt! It looks so beautiful all the waxy colors mixing in the sunlight and I get inspired!
You can do anything you set your heart on!
Sofia

Dear Sofia,
Disregard that letter and continue to use the gym. That may expedite your deportation.
Beth

Elisabetta! Yes, your advice always come at right time. I think you are very smart. I wish I was as smart as you, my shining star! But God has blessed me in so many ways, yes? My golden skin needs the sun and they only let me into the outside for 1 hour a day. Is not enough, I’m sure. Plus, they no let me remove my jumpsuit and feel the rays of sun on every inch of my beautifulness. I no understand why. When you think I can travel the journey home, too? I like to know this.
Be true to yourself!
Sofia

Sofia,
Your e-mails are really starting to get annoying. Although, I get the impression I could say anything to you and you’d be delighted. For example, prior to it being seized by the government, you were in possession of quite possibly the shittiest wardrobe on earth. Rwandan refugees have hotter outfits than your embarrassing array of stripper rejects and floral monstrosities. Also, no one has ever watched your TV show. Ever. I’ve never even heard of it.
Are you gone yet?
Beth

Elisabetta! I feel the same that I can say anything to you too! Such friends we are! Thank you for the board games packages. I like to play the Four Connect by myself in my concrete cell space. My guard, she think it so funny. I ask her to play but she agree with you it is a one person game. At night, as I look through the bars at the stars (a rhyme!) I think of HIM and am happy he find someone as special as you to replace me. Yes, yes, we all move on.
When one door closes, another one opens!
Sofia

Message Bounceback. User denied message. Re-Send…

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is quite possibly the most entertaining correspondence I have ever read in my life.

Anonymous said...

I agree! This is truly, truly hilarious. I think I officially lost it when I read, "they no let me remove my jumpsuit."
How you've turned a moderately foreign F-list acress who once dated the Mayor of San Francisco for about 10 seconds into a brilliant cartoonish fully complete character is both genius and entertaining, even for those of us far enough away to barely know who you're talking about. How this isn't your day job I'll never understand. Seriously, Beth Anne. This is really motherfucking funny.
-JJ

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