Tuesday, August 29, 2006

honorable mention: bloodhound gang...

Years and years of true crime reality television has honed my already god given gift of hardcore detective skills. I fully maintain that had I been provided with the complete case evidence on a number of crimes, particularly Scott “Hot + Stupid = Murder” Peterson, I’d be able to solve that shit. Which has me thinking. As a child I entertained a myriad of potential professions, from astronaut to marine biologist to mathalete, including one I’d like to revisit today: Private Detective.
In fact, I think that most likely, I’ll find myself the center of an array of unsolved mysteries as an older woman, and aspire to a lifestyle not unlike that of Jessica Fletcher, heroine of Murder She Wrote. I don’t necessarily want to get paid for my services, because really, they’re priceless. I just want to go off to a hunting weekend at a British country estate of an old friend and discover someone murdered in the drawing room. Or find myself in some international 3rd world, 5-star hotel and just stumble upon espionage and subterfuge, working in cahoots with grumpy old detectives who slowly realize that the well-dressed, well-aged American woman in the corner seems both innocent and impressively helpful.
The thing that was so convenient about Murder She Wrote is that anytime Jessica Fletcher left her little Cabot Cove cottage, some disposable person we meet within the first 15 minutes of the episode shows up dead. Uh, Hello Sheriff Tupper? Cabot Cove’s got the homicide statistics of Compton.
But of course, that’s what makes that old battleaxe Fletcher so fabulous: the black cloud of untimely death that follows her wherever she goes. Which brings us to today’s Top 5 List:

Top 5 Fictional Detectives/Mystery Solvers of All Time:

5. Jessica Fletcher
4. Hercule Poirot
3. Scooby Doo
2. Sherlock Holmes
1. Encyclopedia Brown…

11 comments:

honorary roomie said...

although she didn't really solve anything dicey, i'd like to extend another honorable mention to the ultimate voyeur, harriet the spy. and as long as pbs characters are fair game, how about joe friday and kate monday of 'mathnet'? the names are made up, but the problems are real...

KG said...

Encyclopedia Brown...
wow now that jogged something in my memory! "everytime he fell down it sounded like a bunch of books fell over in his head" or some nonsense close to that. wow I so forgot about little mr. brown

Sunset Boy said...

I always loved Encyclopedia Brown! Remember the female version, "Cam Jansen"?
Here are my Top 5:
5. Inspector Clouseau
4. Lincoln Rhyme
3. Thomas Magnum
2. Frank Drebin
1. Batman

Can I be one of your crime solving resources when you become this "well aged detective"?
BEN

honorary roomie said...

COLUMBO! come on people, how can we forget columbo?

Spots said...

Sunset Ben, I love you, but Batman doesn't count. He's a superhero. Totally different thing. I'm with you on Thomas "Sweet Shorts" Magnum, tho. And I'd like to throw out Nancy Drew, Charlie's Angels, Miss Marple and Jonathan Creek. I spent an entire semester programming my life around BBC's 3am programming of Jonathan Creek, nerdy detective/magician...

becky said...

"I don’t necessarily want to get paid for my services, because really, they’re priceless."

-Awesome!

greg dewar said...

My favorite is "Wikipedia Brown", who solves crimes the way they tend to get solved nowadays - he just sorta makes up the solution and figures he (or someone else) can change it later.....

Anonymous said...

i laughed very very hard at wikipedia brown.

in no particular order:

Lt. Frank Drebin
The A-Team
Lenny Briscoe
K.I.T.T. (Hasselhoff was nothing without K.I.T.T.)
Penny from inspector gadget

-gray cloud

Spots said...

Lenny Brisco. Excellent...

Which actually begs the question, Lenny Briscoe vs. Elliot Stabler. Because Stabler's got that whole, "You hurt a little girl/I have daughters/Uncontrollable rage" etc...

amy said...

Stabler wins that one. Hands down. Lenny Briscoe is only good because he has a name which is fun to say.

Sunset Boy said...

Bobby Goren trumps them both. The weirdo who is an expert on everything is the best detective of any of the "L & O" shows.
BEN