So John Mark Karr didn’t kill Jon Benet. He’s still super creepy and should be locked up. I am apparently the only person in the world surprised by this news, not because I thought the evidence was stacked up against this wackjob, but because I’m so shocked anyone can confess to a crime they didn’t commit and be instantly swathed in international attention. If I were a nut with some free time (which, clearly, I am), the message would be clear: Confess to a random crime, preferably a dirty one people have almost forgotten about, and wait 5 seconds for the planet to go ape-shit and fly you all over the place and until they realize that, uh, you were in Alabama or some other hell hole the whole time and are instantly cleared. Psycho McSkinny got a free Business Class ticket from a Thai child bordello to LAX and an exclusive interview bidding war just for shifting in his seat and muttering, “It was an accident.”
I’d just like to hang out in the Boulder DA’s office today and watch the shit hit the fan. Especially after we were forced to watch their “We Caught Jon Benet’s Killer Awards Show Telecast” where everyone patted themselves on the back and thanked their dry cleaners and 2nd grade teachers for supporting them on their now completed quest for justice. Um, he was in another state, Hercule Poirot.
So what happens now? Oh, I’ll tell you what happens now. The one thing that makes this country so wonderful is what happens now.
Oprah Motherfucking Winfrey.
No Dateline, No 60 Minutes, No 20/20 can outbid Moneybags Winfrey and her minions of horrified housewives. Ugh, I can’t wait. I simply can not wait…