Monday, July 31, 2006

no wonder they were all into the sherry by noon...

My mother forwarded me a page from the May 13, 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly, entitled The Good Wife’s Guide. This is no doubt the kind of regimen still maintained in the Mel Gibson home…

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (This, I would actually like doing, provided he likes Ina Garten.)

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (This is my personal favorite.)

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (Be a little gay? No problem.)

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. (This is why I’d need a maid to belittle and occasionally reduce to tears so I don’t feel so bad about my crappy life.)

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables. (The kids would be in a Swiss boarding school anyway. And then, we’ve got the maid, so…)

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. (This will come in handy later when I need to dispose of his body.)

Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (Provided I get to wear ridiculous 50’s housewife outfits and develop an addiction to prescription drugs, I’m okay with this one.)

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (Playing the part of little treasures? Marvelous. This is also in the manual for how to breed serial killers.)

Be happy to see him. (Happy to see this asshole? Well, I can only see him out of my one eye that’s not swollen shut from the beatings for not having dinner on the table and ribbons in my hair.)

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (Isn’t this why God invented hookers?)

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (As long as he wants to talk about Chardonnay, Project Runway or me, I’m cool with this.)

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Wait. If he has this need to be home and relaxing, why the fuck is he out all night?)

Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (So, basically a spa?)

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. (How could a gal have any complaints or problems under this genius plan?)

Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (I’d be delighted never to see this asshole again. He can stay out for the rest of his life for all I care. That last sentence confuses me, though. Oh wait. Don’t question. Shut up. Ribbons in hair. Got it.)

Make him comfortable. Make him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (And a double ready for yourself.)

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (I just tried that and sounded like a drag queen.)

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (Just take off his shoes.)

A good wife always knows her place. (Which is apparently in suburban hell…)


Anonymous said...

I like this! Although it all seems to pertain to the husband's arrival home from work. I bet she's still supposed to be a tramp in the bedroom.

Spots said...

That's true. It's all how to handle to the most intense and important part of a woman's day: the arrival of her husband home from work. Apparently, a nation women were desperately waiting for someone to explain this to them in detailed bullet points. I wonder how many wives attempted to put these gems into regular practice, hiding this article in their girdle drawer and attempting to remove the shoes of their confused and suspicious husbands while shoving food, drinks and immaculate children at them, hair covered in ribbons and bony hands shaking trying to open the not-so-secret-anymore bottle of percoset...

Elliot said...

I have a pair of similar articles from a 1954 Cosmopolitan about meeting your girl/boyfriends parents.
The only one I can recall at the moment is that when a guy meets his girlfriends father, he is supposed to make jokes and call him "Sport".

Vernetta said...

Wonder if there's an article like this for stay at home men for their working women these days... My stay at home boyfriend never did any of this stuff for my working butt. Guess that's part of the reason he doesn't stay at my house any longer.

Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info » »