Are American women (and men) programmed to find all fire and rescue personnel appallingly attractive, regardless of moustaches? Driving along Van Ness this morning, I was rubbernecking an accident like no body’s business, not because I was watching someone get loaded into an ambulance or arrested or body bagged. Nope, I was checking out the firemen. Ding fucking dong, fellas.
Of the 15 or so heroes congregated along the block, about 5 or 6 made me want to pull over and tackle them. Something about those navy t-shirts and utilitarian suspenders melts my butter, and this morning, it was all I could do not to slam my car into a telephone pole and play dead.
Maybe it’s the idea of being rescued by someone driven by forces greater than money or success. Maybe it’s the idea of the traditional American hero, a big vision of bravery with big strong arms than runs into burning buildings to rescue kittens. Maybe it’s the fact that they all live together in close quarters, cooking huge meals, watching Die Hard and slapping each other on the ass all night. Okay, I might be making that last part up, but it’s possible.
As I stopped traffic and paused at a green light, oogling these fine men like I just got out of prison, I marveled at my instinctive reaction to a fire. Literally, my first thought is, ‘Oooo, fire. Hot guys.’
I’ve also noticed that I find firefighters way hotter than cops, which I attribute to the fact that cops generally get you in trouble whereas firefighters bail you out. Firefighters also have better outfits, cute mascots and tend towards joviality. Firefighters never ask you if you knew how fast you were going or how many cocktails you’ve consumed in the past hour. Firefighters say things like, “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’re gonna get you right out of here.” and “No need to thank me, ma’am. It’s been an honor to rescue you. Would you like to try on my helmet?”
I won’t even venture into the cheesy “light my fire, douse my flames, etc” phraseology because it’s downplays the seriousness of my point. There appears to be an official law which clearly states that all American women are pre-disposed towards 3 things; Food, Oprah and firefighters. Gentlemen, I salute you(r guns)…