Friday, July 28, 2006

i want to go through life jumping into fountains naked...

The glory of Comcast on Demand Free Movies is that when you’re is terribly bored, you ends up watching random movies you’d never see otherwise. Recently having nothing to do, I flipped through the free movie options one lonely night and settled on the Hitchcock classic, The Birds.
Basically, sassy, young San Francisco socialite Melanie Daniels plays some on trick sassy, young San Francisco lawyer Mitch Brenner, so they do this weird flirty thing in a bird store. Intrigued, Melanie finds out that Mitch spends the weekends visiting his uptight mother and bratty little sister in Bodega Bay, so spunky Melanie drives herself up there and worms her way in with pair of caged lovebirds just in from India as a gift for the bratty sister. As soon as Melanie arrives in town with those cursed love birds, seagulls and crows start attacking everyone and all hell breaks loose. Oh, and Mitch and Melanie magically fall for each other over the course of 48 hours in a confusing yet ever evolving relationship.
First of all, why are guys in old movies always named Mitch?
Second of all, Tippi Hedren is divine. She’s stuck in the same green suit throughout the whole movie, because she only planned on staying in Bodega Bay for the afternoon, but once the bird attacks began, Mitch insists she stay. Yet her hair and makeup are flawless throughout and her suit remains perfectly steamed and immaculate, even through several intense bird attacks.
That’s another thing. Mitch keeps insisting it’s too dangerous to leave. I kept yelling at the TV, “Get out! Go to the big city! They can’t get you in the big city!” Although apparently everyone in Bodega Bay regards Santa Rosa as the nearest metropolis. According to reports, birds take breaks up to several hours long in between attacks. Hello? Haul ass to San Francisco. Controlling, big, strong Mitch won’t let uptight mom, bratty sister or Melanie get the hell out of Dodge, and they remain trapped and surrounded in the big Brenner house. Finally, Mitch goes outside and finds a radio, shocked to learn that “Most residents of Bodega Bay have escaped, although a very few remain trapped.”
Duh, Mitch. Told you.
We’re led to believe that Melanie's third world lovebirds might have something to do with the sudden onslaught of attacks. So, uh, why not just kill the lovebirds? Oh wait. Brattly sister won’t let us. Her classmates get knocked off left and right, but don’t touch her precious lovebirds from her new best friend, Melanie.
Towards the end, Melanie walks into an upstairs room filled with seagulls and is instantly attacked by hundreds of them. In the final throws of consciousness, she lets out the most girly, helpless cry of, “Oh, Mitch!”
And then collapses.
To which I screamed, “Are you fucking kidding me?!?!”
If my eyes are being gorged out by hundreds of seagulls and I’m about to succumb to the thousands of beak wounds inflicted upon me, I would not yell for some idiot I’ve known for 2 days who was too cocky and stupid to get us to safety.
SPOILER ALERT:
They finally decide to split and pile into Melanie’s convertible, Melanie now borderline insane and bratty sister insisting on bringing the cursed lovebirds. Scowling, Mitch drives off into a sea of hundreds of thousands of birds.
The End.
What? The End? Excuse me? Then what happens? Was it the lovebirds? Were they cursed? Do we bring a shaman in to reverse it? Do the attacks follow the lovebirds to San Francisco? How is this resolved???
Damn you, Alfred!
I’ll admit, this film is pretty terrifying, especially when they’re trapped in the Brenner house waiting for imminent death by gull and cower in corners all looking to Mitch for more bright ideas. You’ve got to love a film that lists a character in the credits as “Doomsayer in Diner.”
I think my favorite part of this whole movie is when a bloody yet dewy Melanie emerges from unconsciousness still fighting imaginary seagulls, her fabulous matching pumps kicking in the air as her perfect blond up-do remains unscathed. Thank you, Edith Head…

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wonderful! I'll watch it tonight!

Elliot said...

There was a recent sequel made to this film.
It's probably called More Birds or something idiotic.

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Geek Porn Girl said...

Thanks, again Spots. This time you've localized it for me... I blog from... Bodega Bay!