Sunday afternoons are often spent in the company of my platonic life partner and burrito buddy, Big Chris. Yesterday was no exception and Alex joined us at Puerto Alegre on Valencia for margaritas and Mexican Food. Inevitably, the conversation turned towards the oft-asked question, ‘What shoes would Jesus Christ wear if he were alive today?’
I have never heard two men debate so fervently, Chris insisting that Jesus would sport footwear much like his own, the timeless Air Jordan. Alex violently disagreed.
“He’s a walker. He needs a good walking shoe.”
“Also, you guys. Don’t forget he’s very international.” I offered.
“No way. Michael Jordan was the greatest athlete of all time, thus, Jesus would wear Jordan’s.”
“Converse.” Said Alex, in all seriousness. “He’d wear old school, low top Cons or slip on, checkered Vans.”
“Ahhh, slip ons.”
“Yeah, Jesus needs to slide into a shoe. I don’t see Jesus bending over tying his laces.”
“Like Jesus’ laces would ever come untied.”
“Yeah, he probably wouldn’t need to tie them in the first place. I mean, the man walks on water.”
“Not a flip flop, though. Something with a back.”
I think to think I’ve got my finger on the pulse of what kinds of things certain people are apt to wear. Jesus, in my opinion, wouldn’t wear some $150 sneaker or a retro, hipster skater shoe. Jesus walks through the slums of Central America. Jesus holds starving babies in Africa. Jesus thwarts Anti-American sentiment in Europe. Thus, I’ve figured out what shoe Jesus would wear, assuming that Jesus would sport one single style of shoe.
“You guys, Jesus would wear something cheap and poorly made. I bet you anything, Jesus would wear some kind of crappy, brown plastic sandal from the men’s shoe aisle in Walgreen’s.”
Chris and Alex looked at me as if I’d just spoken blasphemy.
“What the hell did you just say, woman?”
“Jesus is a man of the people. He can’t wander dirt roads surrounded by the impoverished in Prada.”
“The Pope does.”
“You’ve got to think about this logically. This isn’t about what Jesus needs in a shoe, because we’ve established he needs a good, breathable, multi-climate walking shoe in neutral tones. But Jesus isn’t about what HE needs. Thus, I feel like he’d sport something basic, easy to obtain, worn by the multitudes in third world countries and unpretentious.”
“I disagree. I’m pretty sure he’s wear Converse low tops.”
Fine. Let’s go get drinks next door and move onto the next topic that will take up another hour of, appropriately enough, our Sunday.
In what color…