In spending some time with a foreigner lately, I’ve become highly defensive of this wonderful country. Never have I experienced such a renewed patriotism and pride in my big belt buckled, gas guzzling, materialistic, gun crazy, white trash homeland. Truth be told, I get why the rest of the world despises us, I just don’t get why they can’t understand that most of us agree with them. We’re not ALL idiots, Earth. We’re not ALL carrying around guns and aerosol cans, Europe. We’re not ALL from Texas, Canada. And quite frankly, my family showed up here on a boat one day and found prosperity and happiness in the land of the free and the home of the brave. I wouldn’t necessarily die for my country, but I’ll gladly tell some frog where he can shove his willingness to surrender.
Last night, Mikey and I sat around flipping through the channels, in between episodes of Dog, Bounty Hunter. For a moment we landed on CNN. We both stared at the bombs and civilians and expert commentators.
“I don’t really get this whole Hezbollah thing.”
“I’m kinda over it.”
We flipped to the next channel, finding current events more to our speed. Instead of educating ourselves to wars waged all over this delicate planet, becoming informed on foreign policy and matters of national security, we watched Ryan Seacrest intricately describe Colin Farrell’s recent restraining order against his stalker. Enraptured, we spent a good 20 minutes hearing all about Colin’s stalker woes, how she filed 2 lawsuits against him, wrote a book called, ‘Colin Farrell: A Dark, Twisted Puppy’ and emerged from the Tonight Show audience and accosted him. Sadly, this was information we pretty much already knew, we just found this pressing issue of significantly more interest and pertinence than, like, war. I mean, Colin Farrell is being publicly stalked by a crazy person.
When Seacrest finally finished his investigative reporting, and we moved on to E!’s 100 Most Staralicious Makeovers, I suddenly realized. “This is why people hate Americans. We found CNN too intellectually challenging so we switched to red carpet interviews and closeted gay midgets reporting on Colin Farrell’s stalkers.”
Perhaps war is taking an emotional toll on me and I’m forced into escapism. Perhaps it was Monday night and I was too tired to hear about how fucked up this planet is. Perhaps I’m simply an ignorant American who cares more about Nicole Ritchie’s eating disorder than, say, starving children in Africa.
I watch E! So sue me. At least it wasn’t Fox News…