Some people know how to throw a party, and while I’ve had many years of practice, I can only hope to achieve the hosting ability possessed by my friend Dale. After early afternoon mojitos at the Park Chalet, populated by yuppies and their obnoxious offspring, we picked up Andy and headed over to Dale’s Castro pad, a fabulous apartment packed to the gills with gays. To watch my entrance, you’d think Dale and I had just been reunited after years apart, orphans separated by a dreadful Depression-era social worker and this was our Unsolved Mysteries-esque reunion. Turns out, this is how he greets everyone. As Andy and I introduced Alex and Mike, I hear a bellowing from the back of the house. "Oh hell no, that bitch did not just walk up in my shit! Miss Beth, get your ass over here, girl!"
I leaned over to Alex. "Oh, I forgot to mention. Rob’s here."
"Oh my god, are you shitting me."
Clearly not. Rob and I have been friends since the beginning of time, since Freshman year of high school... hell, since Rob was straight. He came running over, pushing tank-topped homos out of his path. "Tell me that is not Big Al! Oh my god, it is! Big Al!"
"Rob, what’s up." smiled Alex. "I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving when you flooded my parent’s bathroom."
"Oh, remember that shit? Oops!"
I introduced Mike and we all headed outside, finding a table out in the sun and a cooler full of beer. I surveyed the crowd and I think my estimation is pretty accurate. There were 30 gay guys, 3 girls and Alex and Mike. For those that don’t know, gay men love cute straight guys. Similar to the hetero-male thrill of girl on girl action, hooking up with a straight is to gays. And flirting with polite, good looking college boys is pure heaven, especially to this crowd.
I ventured inside to get more drinks, stopped periodically along the way by an array of gay men, all echoing the afternoon’s sentiments. "Beth, honey, I love how you always show up with the cutest straight boys. I mean it, girl, those are some fine ass boys."
Towards the end of the afternoon, Alex had to depart. "I’ve got to go, but first I need to find Dale. He is seriously like, the best host."
Like the goat tied to the post in Jurrasic Park, Mikey was suddenly prey and his T-Rex was a leather daddy named Peter. I left Mike to fend for himself as I had fallen in love with Matthew. Sitting in the corner, sipping his beer and looking better than everyone, Matthew was willing to casually and expertly mock the masses with me. If there’s someone sitting off my themselves, looking above it all, but open to bitching, I’m in. Especially, if they are hot.
As the evening wore on, Peter got more and more flirty with the ever polite Michael, who simply sat there smiling and repeating, "I’m speechless. I’m just speechless."
"Mikey. I think you are officially comfortable in your sexuality."
Even Andy was stepping in, getting wildly protective of Mike. "Get away from him! Seriously, you bitches. Do not freak out Mikey."
I left him under the watchful eye of Andy and sat on the floor next to Matthew. "Matthew, I know you’re gay and everything, but I like you. I mean, I really like you. In fact, I think I love you."
"I like you too, Beth."
"No, no. You don’t understand. I want to like, be independent friends. I want to go on adventures and fancy restaurants and snuggle."
Soon Andy appeared and moved onto my territory, sadly having a much better chance of snagging the adorable Matthew than myself. It was time to go.
Michael stood up and went over to Dale. "Dale, thank you so much. I wasn’t invited and Beth just brought me, but you were so friendly and made me feel so welcome. Thank you."
A living room full of gays collectively sighed, "Awwwww!"
Andy had moved in on my man, and Mikey had a date with, you know, a girl, so I went home, crawled into bed and smiled. I have officially regained my coveted fag hag status. All is once again right with the world...