abby who...

Dear Big Chris and Spots,
Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!
When I met him in person, every alarm God ever gave me as a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking her after knowing me for less than 10 minutes.
Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior. However, I am concerned for my friend. I'm afraid he may abuse her. I don't want to associate with him, but I don't want to lose Hazel. Can this relationship be salvaged?
~ SHOCKED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

Dear White Trash People,
First of all I've been saying for years, e-mail, internet dating, craigslist etc. are for geeks, pedophiles, and perverts. Your friend "Hazel" and her new husband fall into the category of perverts. They also fall into the category of fucking idiots for getting married after 3 weeks. Only the great Britney Spears can get away with that kind of behavior.
Here's the problem and the irony of this whole situation: You are your husband are a conservative couple (probably christian, insane, twice a month missionary style sex, pro bush etc.) and you're good friends with"Hazel" who's a freak into internet marriage, S&M, spanking, anal and "domestic discipline" which her new dirtbag husband is happy to provide.
Basically the friendship can be salvaged. As long as he isn't kicking her ass outside the bedroom just mind your own business. What you consider deviant behavior, they consider normal and you're in no position judge.
Finally after reading your letter I think you're all fucked in the head.
~ Big Chris

Dear Prude,
Uh, Hazel’s the Sub who answered the very up-front ad. At least the Dom is putting it out there and being honest about what he’s into. Hazel makes no bones about chasing him down and dropping trou, and hell’s bells, who are we to judge? I’m simply amazed Hazel told you and your Reader’s Digest, Christian programming hubby about her sex life. Because, and this might come as a shock to you, it’s none of your GD business. Thank god someone’s having dicey, controversial and fabulous sex. Because it clearly isn’t you.
As for disliking this guy, even out of the bedroom, so what? Your friend married a sleazy creep. Get in line. Bite your tongue like everyone else, or if that’s too kinky for you, leave them to it and go back to your noodles and red sauce. Either way, some friend you are. Because if, god forbid, this guy really is a slimeball and starts ignoring Hazel’s screams of their safeword, you’ll be the last person she calls.
I can’t believe you used the word deviant,
~Spots