I had some time to kill before meeting Mikey for our weekly burger before Pub Quiz last night, so I grabbed a Pinot Noir at the Holy Grail. I was delighted to find a good-looking, well-dressed, ringless man next to me, drinking a Guinness by himself and ordering fancy food.
This, folks, is my kinda guy.
But as I have had the great displeasure of learning firsthand, repeatedly, when one opens their mouth, they can suddenly become far less attractive.
Turns out, Guinness is kind of an asshole. Apparently a “regular,” he took great pleasure in referring to an Irish waitress as his “favorite linguist. Or Cunilinguist, hehe. Get it?”
I rolled my eyes and pulled out my notebook.
I began furiously scribbling down every word out of this shithead’s mouth, from his sudden Southern drawl when speaking to the black couple next to him (“Y’all should come on down to my gallery.”) to his introduction of the annoyed bartender (“Dave is the shit, yo.”)
Suddenly, he turned his obnoxious attentions to me.
“Someone’s writing in her secret little notebook.”
Oh my god.
“Oh, uh, I’m just kinda on a roll.”
“No, no. I don’t want to stop you. Do what you gotta do.”
His food arrived and he dove in, loudly munching on his ahi and audibly expressing his dining pleasure in a series of grunts and moans. He then took a long sip of his Guinness, swallowed and then did that beer commercial, “Ahhhhhhh.” thing as he placed his pint glass on the bar.
I couldn’t believe this once hot guy, who was so mysterious and attractive, with such potential and possibility sitting there alone and silent at the bar turned out to be a complete jackass.
Finally, a woman who appeared to be the owner and disturbingly, a friend of the jackass, sat next to him and began chatting about a new restaurant she wanted to open. Almost jokingly, she said, “Want to invest?”
“Well, let me ask you this. How much?”
“A buck and a half.”
I can only assume this means $150,000, and I’ve got to respect the fact that she called it a buck and a half. That is awesome.
He then replied, like he was Dignan in Bottle Rocket, “I tell you what…I’m interested.”
Yeah right. I think I may have choked on my wine, I was so flabbergasted that jackass loud eater was going to produce a buck and a half so he could open some restaurant with a virtual stranger just so he’d have the opportunity to sit on a barstool somewhere and disappoint single women…