Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Kimberly Golddigger's Wedding Day Schedule...

9:16am: Kimberly wakes up, hungover and old.
9:17am: Realizes she’s passed out in a dumpster behind the Campus All-Male Theater.
9:19am: Locates cell phone in pile of filth and used prophylactics and proceeds to contact someone to pick her up.
10:52am: Finally talks someone into coming to get her.
11am: Checks into suite at New York’s Plaza Hotel.
11:15: Sees Donald Trump in lobby, who thinks she’s a 1997 Miss Universe 3rd Runner Up (representing Jupiter.)
12noon: Hair and Make-Up arrive. Must use freight elevator due to necessity of industrial strength products.
1:45pm: Vera Wang’s Assistant begrudgingly drops off “beige” wedding dress and explains that Vera is busy, um, uh, er, looking for Natalee Holloway. This makes perfect sense to Kimberly.
2pm: Final touch-ups with stylist.
2:15pm: Kimberly stands before a full length mirror and slowly realizes her betrothed is gay.
2:16pm: Realizes her betrothed is probably still at the Campus All Male Theater.
2:17pm: Sends assistant to find him.
3pm: Gets confirmation that gay groom has been located and is being sobered up.
3:15pm: Heads to church.
3:30pm: Arrives at Church. Bridesmaids attempt to distract her from noticing that groom is still missing.
3:45pm: Groom’s boyfriend, Hector, arrives in a black veil and Birkin Bag.
3:59pm: Groom arrives. Takes Valium.
4pm: Ceremony begins.
4:23pm: Hector is removed from church.
4:35pm: Ceremony ends. Couple heads to reception at Plaza Hotel.
5pm: Couple enters the ballroom to applause. Bill O’Reilly misses their entrance as he is busy making the coat check girl uncomfortable.
5:15pm: Kimberly nervously looks for Gavin.
5:20pm: Band begins. At groom’s request, it the Scissor Sisters.
5:21pm: Hector sneaks in, half to find the groom, half to hear “Filthy/Gorgeous.”
6pm: Uncomfortable toasts, where Kimberly’s previous marriage is awkwardly sidestepped.
6:30pm: Kimberly downs 4th wine cooler.
6:45pm: Hush befalls the ballroom.
6:46pm: Gavin enters solo.
6:47pm: Groom utters, “He’s hot.”
6:50pm: Gavin graciously congratulates the newlyweds. Groom secretly slips his number into Gavin’s pocket.
7pm: Kimberly sits at Table Number 27 alone, watching everyone kiss Gavin’s ass.
7:15pm: Kimberly moves on to shots of vodka.
8:10pm: Kimberly finds unattended microphone.
8:14pm: Kimberly is removed from her own wedding reception.
8:16pm: Kimberly wrestles herself free of security and walks herself to the TGIFriday’s at 56th and Third.
9:04pm: Kimberly sits alone in wedding dress and “I Heart NY” t-shirt eating an onion blossom and watching a hockey game.
9:15pm: Group of tourists send over a pineapple daiquiri.
9:19pm: Kimberly orders another daiquiri.
9:25pm: Moves on to Bungalow 8, where the bouncer thinks she’s Steven Tyler and therefore, let her in.
9:40pm: Tries to get invited to Lindsey Lohan’s booth, but is instructed by Lindsey’s staff that Lindsey is afraid of horses.
10pm: Drunk dials Gavin.
10:03pm: Gavin notices missed call. Doesn’t call back as he’s too busy still partying at the reception. Decides to text back instead, “And people thought I was gay. LOL”
10:15: Kimberly angrily walks back to reception at Plaza.
10:24pm: Can’t get in.
10:30pm: Kimberly gives up and returns to her suite upstairs, where she watches Matlock.
11:54pm: Kimberly calls groom, who doesn’t answer as he’s in a janitorial supply closet with Hector and a Scissor Sister.
12midnight: Kimberly passes out amidst a pile of wilted flowers, wilted hair and wilted dreams.
12:45am: Gavin leaves reception with unnamed blogger/wedding crasher who appeared to be documenting the day in a small notebook kept in her knock-off handbag…


Anonymous said...

Unbelievably funny!!!! Let's just hope Gavin isn't as stupid as she is to get remarried so fast (he hasn't met you yet!).

Anonymous said...

By the way, I agree she is a golddigger. Can't these guys see through this?

b.t.o.b. said...

wine coolers... nice touch!!

greg dewar said...

I found this article while doing a google that had nothing to do with any of the prinicpals. But I figured, what the heck, and took a look. And I had to stifle some of the biggest laughs I've had in a while, because my friend is studying in the other room. But this is fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot!
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Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP »

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