9:16am: Kimberly wakes up, hungover and old.
9:17am: Realizes she’s passed out in a dumpster behind the Campus All-Male Theater.
9:19am: Locates cell phone in pile of filth and used prophylactics and proceeds to contact someone to pick her up.
10:52am: Finally talks someone into coming to get her.
11am: Checks into suite at New York’s Plaza Hotel.
11:15: Sees Donald Trump in lobby, who thinks she’s a 1997 Miss Universe 3rd Runner Up (representing Jupiter.)
12noon: Hair and Make-Up arrive. Must use freight elevator due to necessity of industrial strength products.
1:45pm: Vera Wang’s Assistant begrudgingly drops off “beige” wedding dress and explains that Vera is busy, um, uh, er, looking for Natalee Holloway. This makes perfect sense to Kimberly.
2pm: Final touch-ups with stylist.
2:15pm: Kimberly stands before a full length mirror and slowly realizes her betrothed is gay.
2:16pm: Realizes her betrothed is probably still at the Campus All Male Theater.
2:17pm: Sends assistant to find him.
3pm: Gets confirmation that gay groom has been located and is being sobered up.
3:15pm: Heads to church.
3:30pm: Arrives at Church. Bridesmaids attempt to distract her from noticing that groom is still missing.
3:45pm: Groom’s boyfriend, Hector, arrives in a black veil and Birkin Bag.
3:59pm: Groom arrives. Takes Valium.
4pm: Ceremony begins.
4:23pm: Hector is removed from church.
4:35pm: Ceremony ends. Couple heads to reception at Plaza Hotel.
5pm: Couple enters the ballroom to applause. Bill O’Reilly misses their entrance as he is busy making the coat check girl uncomfortable.
5:15pm: Kimberly nervously looks for Gavin.
5:20pm: Band begins. At groom’s request, it the Scissor Sisters.
5:21pm: Hector sneaks in, half to find the groom, half to hear “Filthy/Gorgeous.”
6pm: Uncomfortable toasts, where Kimberly’s previous marriage is awkwardly sidestepped.
6:30pm: Kimberly downs 4th wine cooler.
6:45pm: Hush befalls the ballroom.
6:46pm: Gavin enters solo.
6:47pm: Groom utters, “He’s hot.”
6:50pm: Gavin graciously congratulates the newlyweds. Groom secretly slips his number into Gavin’s pocket.
7pm: Kimberly sits at Table Number 27 alone, watching everyone kiss Gavin’s ass.
7:15pm: Kimberly moves on to shots of vodka.
8:10pm: Kimberly finds unattended microphone.
8:14pm: Kimberly is removed from her own wedding reception.
8:16pm: Kimberly wrestles herself free of security and walks herself to the TGIFriday’s at 56th and Third.
9:04pm: Kimberly sits alone in wedding dress and “I Heart NY” t-shirt eating an onion blossom and watching a hockey game.
9:15pm: Group of tourists send over a pineapple daiquiri.
9:19pm: Kimberly orders another daiquiri.
9:25pm: Moves on to Bungalow 8, where the bouncer thinks she’s Steven Tyler and therefore, let her in.
9:40pm: Tries to get invited to Lindsey Lohan’s booth, but is instructed by Lindsey’s staff that Lindsey is afraid of horses.
10pm: Drunk dials Gavin.
10:03pm: Gavin notices missed call. Doesn’t call back as he’s too busy still partying at the reception. Decides to text back instead, “And people thought I was gay. LOL”
10:15: Kimberly angrily walks back to reception at Plaza.
10:24pm: Can’t get in.
10:30pm: Kimberly gives up and returns to her suite upstairs, where she watches Matlock.
11:54pm: Kimberly calls groom, who doesn’t answer as he’s in a janitorial supply closet with Hector and a Scissor Sister.
12midnight: Kimberly passes out amidst a pile of wilted flowers, wilted hair and wilted dreams.
12:45am: Gavin leaves reception with unnamed blogger/wedding crasher who appeared to be documenting the day in a small notebook kept in her knock-off handbag…