Wednesday, May 24, 2006

it's that time of the month again...

DEAR Big Chris and Spots: I recently began dating again as a single mother. I met a man I'll call "Mickey" at a singles dance and agreed to meet him at a coffeehouse a few days later because I had decided to date him. However, Mickey followed me home. I saw him pass my house. A few days later, he showed up at a store where I was shopping, although he doesn't live nearby. I invited him over for dinner, and he showed up again within the week, uninvited, and walked into my house while I was taking a nap! When I confronted him about entering my house uninvited, he said he was "concerned about my welfare." (I have systemic lupus.)
Spots and Chris, I dated Mickey a total of four weeks. Since then, he has continuously driven by my house and dropped off presents of books, cards, candy, flowers, etc. I have asked him not to come by uninvited or without calling first, but he just dropped off another book. He appears not to understand that his intrusive behavior is freaking me out. What can I do? Is this considered stalking? He hasn't threatened me, but I'm frightened and wish he'd stop pursuing me. What can I do? -- FREAKED OUT IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Stupid,
Two words: Restraining Order.
"Is this considered stalking ?"
"Is this considered a rhetorical question?"
I'm going keep it real and say a lot of this shit is your fault. Obviously it’s not your fault this guy turned out to be a stalker, but you probably could have avoided your current situation after the first date when Mickey followed you home. That should have been a sign to never speak to this psycho again. Then he shows up randomly in your neighborhood, walks into your home uninvited, (intelligent people like to call that breaking and entering or at least trespassing) and starts dropping shit off at your place and you still kept dating this guy! Are you insane?
A couple other points: Besides the restraining order, you need to get a gun and learn how to use it, alert your neighbors and the police some nut-job is stalking you, and get an alarm system in your house. Also, a "singles" dance? Next time, just put an ad on Craigslist under random encounters. Those "singles" event are filled with creeps and desperate women. (and trust me, desperation is stinky cologne)
My esteemed colleague and burrito buddy Beth will probably give you better advice as she is a veteran of being stalked. But I know the classic "blow-off technique" has worked for her in the
past. This method includes not answering their calls, returning messages, answering e-mails, not opening the door when they show up randomly, etc. basically going into seclusion until they get the hint.
Good luck to you.

Dear Freak,
First of all, what the hell is a singles dance? Second of all, as Big Chris will no doubt point out, you’ve come to the right place. I am all too familiar with the psychotic stalker. You want to get really freaked out? One day I’ll tell you my locksmith story.
But as I’m often reminded, this isn’t about me. So I’ll get right to the point. You’re an idiot for inviting this guy to dinner. If some schmuck follows you home and then mysteriously shows up at a store, the proper response is to mace him, not bake the nut lasagna. And if you awoke from a nap to find said stalker standing over you, most likely plotting which section of your body he’s going to chop off first, lupus is the least of your problems. You’ve been “dating” for 4 weeks? Call the cops, sweetheart. This guy’s got a well in his basement with your name on it.
Finally, and I’ve got to be honest, you’re getting some shitty presents. If someone’s going to stalk you and break into your house uninvited, cards, candy and carnations aren’t going to cut it. My advice? Avoid, avoid, avoid. Crazy isn’t going to respond to logic. Dodge this wackjob until he finds another prey to hunt.
Don’t you watch Oprah?